Authenticity and Thoughtful Communication
I used to think toning myself down was the same as silencing myself or being inauthentic. I felt that I needed to express myself to my fullest and loudest ability. Maybe it is age or experience, but I have learned that the way I express my feelings, opinions, and ideas really affects the way they will be digested by the rest of the world.
If my goal is to communicate something, I get to choose how I say it. I want my message to arrive clearly. If I mail a letter, I will write the address in my clearest handwriting, right? I don’t want the postman to get confused and take it to the wrong address. In the same way, I choose not to yell and scream my point (even if I feel like yelling and screaming) because I know that whoever I am speaking with will get defensive just in reaction to my presentation, regardless of what I am addressing.
This has been something I struggled to learn. I didn’t want to be fake or inauthentic. I didn’t want to dumb things down or artificially sweeten. I felt that I was undermining myself by censoring. (Maybe this is because I always had the feeling I was too loud or too much as a child and part of reclaiming myself has been being the full me despite whatever the critics say).
My old need to be unwavering and uncensored was a foundational piece of my identity. I was in-your-face. I could not contain being loud or any sort of feelings. They were my right. The cult of individualism had taught me that to be free or real, I needed to have everything uncontained, brusque, and uncensored.
I now believe in something else. For practical reasons: I want my messages digested.
Through relationships and studies, I have seen that when I want real understanding, the way I share my messages is crucial.
How do you share your feelings? Especially conflictual or negative feelings?
Do you accuse? Do you tell the other person what they have done wrong? Do you tell them about the facts of the case and how they always or never do x, y, and z?
Do you think (I mean really think) before opening your mouth? Do you consider how your point will make the other person feel and what you want from them?
Sometimes our point is to vent, and sometimes we want actual change. Do you take time to look at what your goal is? Is it to make another person feel bad? Is it for revenge? Or is it for actual change?
I now try to choose my words and not just spill over in reaction. (I love the image of spilling over because we each are a contained vessel. We are responsible for what we put out into the world beyond our boundaries. It is our choice how and what will leak out. I know that if I am tired or hungry, I am more likely to spill over with unnecessary grumpiness. This may happen, but it is my job to try to minimize it).
If you are interested in communicating with finesse – and not only being listened to but taken seriously – the Gottmans have outlined their findings and a culmination of their interventions in a new book “Fight Right.”
It is truly illuminating!
To read more about thoughtful communication and John and Julie Gottman’s interventions:
Transforming Criticism into Requests
Save Your Relationship: Avoid These Words
Repairs, Communication & Conflict Management
Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?
My transformational approach is a process where awareness, alignment, and action work together as catalysts to create momentum for change.
*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.
*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.
*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.
Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
