The Gottman Institute Concepts to Build On…
John & Julie Gottman have created the Gottman Method as a culmination of 40 years of studying couples and then creating interventions based on their observations. From the vaults of their studies and their curiosity has emerged a highly effective (yes they have studied the effectiveness of their interventions) theory to help couples come back together. The Gottman Method’s focus on strengthening the friendship, creating shared meaning, and managing conflict more effectively means it is not just a theory that attends to conflict, but the interventions can help healthy couples manage their couplehood much more effectively. The focus on connection, understanding, building shared experiences, and understanding means we all have something to learn from the Gottman Method.
Here are my favorite scientifically proven concepts to integrate into your lives, whether you are struggling as a couple, basically happy or just need a little extra spice…
The Gottmans have found that couples that spend 5 hours a week of intentional time together is the difference between thriving and struggling couples. Investing in the relationship with the extra moments in which we focus only on each other and really engage in quality time. Research has shown that couples who spend this time together weekly rate themselves as having more connection and satisfaction in their relationship. Here is the breakdown of the 5 hours of intentional time per week:
Partings: Give warm farewells. Prior to parting in the morning, spend two minutes chatting with your partner to discover at least one interesting thing that will happen in his or her day. Gottman estimates this takes 2 minutes, for 5 workdays per week is a total of 10 minutes per week.
Greetings: Have a debriefing conversation together at the end of each workday. Gottman allows for a 20-minute chat, for 5 workdays: a total of 1 hour 40 minutes per week.
Admiration and Appreciation: Maintaining a loving relationship requires action and expression. It’s not enough to have kind, appreciative thoughts about your partner; it’s really important to say them out loud and let him or her know. Frequent expressions of affection and appreciation toward your partner help build a loving base. Find a way to compliment your spouse every day and to show them you appreciate them. For an effective complement, share something you like about your partner’s personality and an actual incident that illustrates this characteristic. a 5-minute task, 7 days a week: a total of 35 minutes.
Affection: Touch! Show physical affection for your partner! Gottman specifically advises goodnight kisses! Couples should spend time cuddling, touching one another, putting their arms around one another, holding hands, and kissing while they talk, walk, watch TV, or a movie. Play is good. Practice a lingering kiss whenever possible. The Normal Bar (by Chrisanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz, and James Witte), which studied 70,000 people in 24 countries, found that of all the couples who did not cuddle, only 6% said they had a satisfying sex life. The Science of Kissing by Sheril Kirshenbaum reported a German study that showed that men who kissed their wives as they left for work lived 5 years longer than men who didn’t. 5 minutes a day, 7 days a week: a total of 35 minutes.
Weekly date: Gottman allows for 2 hours, once per week, to connect, chat, dream, plan, and enjoy each other’s company.
The Gottmans focus several interventions on how couples discuss conflict because they observed that almost 70% of conflicts are perpetual. Meaning: you can’t solve them, it is a matter of understanding each other enough to be able to live with not agreeing on certain issues. Instead having conversations regarding conflicts is a chance to understand your partner more deeply regardless of if you solve the conflict and create more depth in the relationship. We all have arguments and times when we say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing and end up hurting one another. One of the most important tools for maintaining a lasting relationship is to know how to process a fight (without getting back into it) in order to make the discussion better next time, and in a way that doesn’t hurt the other.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman recommend sharing at least one kiss every day that lasts at least six seconds. Why six seconds? Because that requires us to be present and it is long enough to feel the romantic connection and bond with your partner. Kissing releases oxytocin and dopamine. Oxytocin makes you feel a sense of comfort and belonging, and dopamine activates your brain’s reward center. Kissing can also reduce the stress hormone cortisol. It lowers your blood pressure and reduces anxiety. “A six-second kiss is a kiss with potential. It’s a kiss worth coming home to” says John Gottman.
For more information about the Gottman Method and how it is integrated into my method, feel free to send me an email.
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you work on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
