Transforming Criticism into Requests
As a person in a long term relationship I’ve found myself both giving and receiving criticism. Neither is very nice. Neither is productive. Neither gets me the win. What is the win anyway? What are we striving for?
I believe it is all about understanding. Every bit of drama and pain usually (in my experience) is about feeling misunderstood and then being treated in a manner that seems disrespectful, neglectful of my needs, or unappreciative. I view criticism and "kitchen sinking" as desperate and unskilled attempts to be understood. As Esther Perel aptly puts it, “behind every criticism there is a longing.”
As a couples therapist, I've witnessed many relationships teeter on the edge of collapse due to unchecked criticism. It's a toxic cycle that poisons. Yet, within the chaos, lies an opportunity for growth and connection. By embracing assertiveness, setting boundaries, and approaching conflict with compassion, couples can transform criticism into a catalyst for positive change. It's in this space that we discover the longing and profound understanding.
Assertiveness is the cornerstone of effective communication, especially in the face of criticism. When we assertively express our needs and boundaries, we create a roadmap for healthier interactions. By being mindful of our boundaries and communicating them effectively, we change not only what we communicate but also what we expect from our partners. This shift gives our partners a better chance of satisfying our needs, reducing resentment and fostering understanding. We feel good about ourselves, because we have said our peace. We become active participants in our own lives.
Conflict is an unavoidable part of any relationship, but it's not the conflict itself that determines its outcome—it's how we approach it. Gentle start-ups and expressing requests rather than demands can defuse tension and create space for productive dialogue. By being mindful of our past baggage and how it influences our responses, we can navigate conflict with empathy and compassion. (See this)
Recognizing the typical progression of criticism in relationships is crucial. It begins with pinpointing a current issue that can be resolved—a "bad situation I can correct." Maybe it's a forgotten task or a small miscommunication. At this stage, there's room for dialogue and action, a chance to make things right.
However, when criticism fixates on past events, it becomes an unbearable burden. "A bad situation in the past that's too late to correct" turns every disagreement into a history lesson, dredging up old grievances that offer no path forward. Couples get stuck in a cycle of blame and resentment, unable to see beyond yesterday's mistakes. (See this blog to understand relationship patterns better).
In my practice, I often guide couples away from the next level of criticism: addressing behavioral patterns rather than isolated incidents. “A bad situation that is symbolic of the kind of things I always do" shifts the focus from specific actions to broader character judgments. It's a dangerous road, paved with accusations and assumptions, where every mistake becomes evidence of a deeper flaw.
Cultivating self-awareness is essential. Before pointing fingers at our partners, we must examine our own role in the conflict. Are we effectively communicating our needs? Are we approaching the situation with empathy and understanding? By taking responsibility for our actions and emotions, we lay the foundation for constructive dialogue.
Next, we must shift our focus from dwelling on the past to embracing the present and future. Instead of rehashing old grievances, we should focus on the specific issue at hand and how we can work together to resolve it. This shift in perspective invites collaboration and problem-solving, fostering a sense of “us.”
Communication is key in any relationship, especially during conflict resolution. Couples must learn to express their concerns and frustrations constructively, using "I" statements to avoid placing blame. By focusing on how we feel and what we need, rather than pointing fingers, we create a safe space for honest dialogue and mutual understanding.
Instead of criticism we can opt for requests, which do not equate to condemnation. When offering feedback to our partners, we should strive to be specific, constructive, and compassionate. Instead of tearing them down, we are on their side, helping them satisfy our needs.
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
__
Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
