Save Your Relationship: Avoid These Words
If you want this to work, it's time to cut out the provocative and inflammatory statements. Stop escalating! You only make the other person defensive. Maybe you satisfy your anger, but you don’t help the relationship. When we feel criticized, we get defensive.
(The definition of criticism is stating our complaints as a defect in our partner's personality, that is, giving the partner negative trait attributions).
Here are some words and phrases to avoid:
Always
Never
Every time
You should have known
Obviously
Seriously
Whatever
Never mind
Fine
Asking negative questions (e.g., "Why do you always do that?" "How many times must I tell you?")
Also avoid: any put-down or insult
Being condescending. Contempt comes out in statements that come from a relative position of superiority:
Mocking with sarcasm
Imitating
Name-calling
Hostile humor
Speaking with our bodies: Using dismissive body language (eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, or scoffing)
Consider your vocal quality and body language too:
Finger-pointing
Folding your arms
Looking away
Having a rigid posture
Terry Real succinctly states, “Functional words or actions on your part enable your partner to do something. Dysfunctional words or actions render your partner helpless. The more a move engenders helplessness, the dirtier and nastier it is.”
This implies that criticizing not only our partner’s behavior but also their emotions, character, and intentions increases their sense of helplessness in resolving issues. Criticizing intentions, which we cannot accurately discern, often leaves them feeling powerless to address the problem.
Criticism often involves moving from addressing a current issue that can be rectified, to dwelling on past mistakes beyond repair, and then to broader character judgments. This shift in focus from the present to the past and into the future exacerbates conflicts by diminishing opportunities for resolution and increasing feelings of helplessness.
When we want to improve the way we communicate, we must acquire new skills and adopt new habits. It can feel daunting at first but changing the way we speak can literally change the outcome of our conflicts.
For clinically proven relationship strategies:
Slowing Down Your Communication
Interrupting the Negative Cycle of Couple’s Conflict
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
