Communication with Teens: How to Apologize
The other day I got into yet another conflict with my teenage son. It is exhausting. He is smart and adept at manipulating language. He staunchly defends his point of view and refuses to back down.
I have no idea where he got it from.
I am in over my head. I turn into a little girl who just wants to curse and scream. I feel triggered. I begin to expect the worst (negative sentiment override).
I explode. He explodes. We are both boiling.
And then amidst the chaos I remember something important: I love this boy. He is my boy. He isn’t intentionally being disrespectful (maybe he is). He wants to be heard and understood. So I start over…
When we both have a break. I come back gently. “Can we try again?”
I tell him that I really want to listen and understand him. Using an analogy to help him comprehend the impact of his words. I say, "When somebody is spitting in your face, you have a hard time listening to the words." This image resonates with him. I asked him to speak and not scream. And to try to tell me how he felt in this particular case, rather than what I “always” do. This helps too.
He opens up and tells me that I was assuming the worst of him. That he was trying to be helpful and I had misunderstood the situation. As he speaks so clearly, I feel a surge of compassion. I want him to know that he is being heard.
I realized the spitting metaphor was effective. He grasps why I wasn’t listening, imagining me dodging globs of spit hurled at me… as his aggressive words have felt like insulting projectiles.
Apologizing is challenging, especially when we're feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or defensive. Sometimes we need to take an adult time-out from situations with our children so we can calm ourselves, come back and actually feel and act like an adult. It is crucial to take responsibility for our actions which is very difficult to do when we are triggered. I remind myself that I can’t expect my children to behave conscientiously if I am reacting to my own triggers. If our intention is to repair the relationship through an apology, rather than merely silencing the conflict, there are a few key elements to consider:
“I'm sorry for [specific action or words]. I could have handled that better. Are you okay?"
Notice there are no excuses (I was feeling frustrated, etc), no deflections (I didn't mean it like that/you take everything so seriously, etc.) and no blaming (But you made me feel, You shouldn't have, etc.).
It focuses on acknowledging the hurt caused, taking ownership of our own words/actions, and expressing a genuine desire to improve. It also emphasizes the importance of restoring the relationship before addressing any behavior issues or setting limits.
We model the adult behaviors we want our children to grow into instead of punishing or coercing them into behaving like the adults we aren't willing to be!
The best apologies are short and avoid explanations that might risk undoing them. An apology is the chance you get to establish the ground for future communication.
9 ESSENTIAL INGREDIENTS OF A RELATIONSHIP BUILDING APOLOGY
Does not include the word "but"
Keep the focus on your actions rather than the other person's response.
Offer reparation or restitution that is appropriate for the situation.
Avoid overdoing the apology.
Refrain from getting caught up in assigning blame or discussing who started the issue.
Commit to doing your best to prevent a repeat of the behavior.
Ensure that the apology does not serve to silence the hurt party.
Avoid offering the apology solely to make yourself feel better if it risks further upsetting the hurt party.
Do not expect or request forgiveness from the hurt party.
Sometimes you dig yourself in a hole… learning to apologize helps you get out!
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