Opposites Attract
I was reading Julie and John Gottman’s newest book: “Fight Right” and I couldn’t get over the concept that opposites actually attract and what this means in terms of conflict’s presence in our lives.
It is a deeply entrenched evolutionary survival mechanism that we are attracted to people who are very different from us. The famous study involving T-shirts and smell proved this beautifully:
In the 1990s, Swiss biologist Claus Wedekind conducted what is now known as the “Sweaty T-Shirt Study.” A group of men were asked to wear the same T-shirt for two consecutive nights without using any deodorants, scented soaps, or engaging in activities that might alter their natural body odor. Afterward, the T-shirts were collected and presented to a group of women, who sniffed and rated the scents based on attractiveness.
A fascinating pattern emerged: women were more attracted to the scents of men with dissimilar major histocompatibility complex (MHC) genes. MHC genes play an important role in the immune system by helping the body recognize and fight pathogens. The evolutionary theory behind this preference suggests that mating with someone with different MHC genes could produce offspring with a more robust immune system, i.e. a better chance of survival.
Our natural attraction is to those who are unlike us, is it a surprise that conflict is so common in our relationships?
We are, after all, different by design. 67% of conflicts in relationships are unresolvable according to the Gottmans’ studies. Difference and conflict are not to be avoided or viewed as negative. Instead, we must learn to “fight right.” The inevitable disagreements in relationships must be considered as normal and responded to with a skillset that is emerging. You are not powerless.
This post is meant to normalize regular human conflicts and give you hope that there are strategies and tools that you can operationalize to get out.
(If you haven’t heard of John and Julie Gottman… they are two of my very favorite couples therapy researchers and creators of the Gottman Method. They have so many great and straightforward ideas all backed by scientific studies).
See these resources about the Gottmans:
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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