Healthy Relationship Building
We each want our partners to confirm that we are essential and irreplaceable to them. This is the underlying attachment need that creates security and ease within the chaos of everyday life. When we know this as a fact, we can pass through the everyday conflicts, the occasional disconnect, differences of opinion, misunderstandings, and even the bigger perpetual disagreements that will inevitably pop up (as per John Gottman’s research that 67% of conflicts are unresolvable).
We need to be able to trust that our partner wants to be there for us, that we can depend on them, and that nothing has changed from yesterday to today.
Trust is about expecting our partner to have our best intentions at the forefront of their brain. Trust is built upon the knowledge that you are being cared for as much as you are caring for. Not everything needs to be equally balanced but there is a feeling of equity in giving and receiving love and appreciation. Trust is knowing that when you are in need, your partner will come running.
This trust lays a foundation that assists us to withstand the risks, doubts, and conflicts that inevitably arise in partnerships.
When trust becomes an issue in a relationship it is usually about dishonesty, unreliability, and betrayal. But these issues (most of the time) won’t come up if a foundation of being available, responsive, and engaged with our partners is ingrained in the relationship.
How Do We Create A Dynamic of Being AVAILABLE, RESPONSIVE, AND ENGAGED?
BE THERE: John Gottman champions the motto “Baby when you are in pain, the world stops, and I listen”. Let your partner know that you are going to be there, even when they are upset with you. Turn off the screens, make time to listen, and be with your partner with all of your attention and your emotional core.
KEEP YOUR WORD: It is important to match actions with words. Honor your commitments. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say allows your partner to know they can trust your words.
LISTEN TO YOUR PARTNER’S NEGATIVE EMOTIONS (even when directed at you): Really hear them when they are sad, angry, disappointed, frustrated, anxious, perturbed, etc. Listen with curiosity and openness and respond from this place, rather than from a defensiveness stance or a desire to dismiss. Continual attunement means that at any point you are able to switch and see things through your partner’s perspective with empathy and compassion.
COMMUNICATE YOUR INTENTIONS: Effective and clear communication is important in maintaining successful relationships of all kinds. Do not assume the other person knows what you are thinking or you know what they are thinking. Communicating your intentions keeps your partner informed of what you are thinking so they do not have to guess, make assumptions, or get caught off guard.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY: Reliability and accountability are important in all relationships. Building trust within a relationship is being accountable for your mistakes, asking how you can make them better, and making a commitment that you will try not to make that particular mistake again.
CHOOSE GRATITUDE: Look for the unique aspects of your partner that you can cherish. When you are having a harder time accessing this love, try to be honest, rather than fall into resentment. Avoiding conflict and avoiding self-disclosure threatens commitment and can lead to infidelity.
INVEST IN THE RELATIONSHIP: Spend time with your partner that involves 100% of your heart. Be ready and willing to invest and sacrifice for your partner. Be conscious and choose the time with them rather than be two people who happen to inhabit the same space.
And don’t forget that physical contact pumps oxytocin into our relationship!
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you work on your couples skills? Do you feel communication worksheets will help you? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
