Understanding How Feelings, Needs and Thoughts are Connected

What am I Feeling Right Now & What Do I Need?

Identifying and expressing feelings is one of the most fundamental skills for feeling balanced and authentic.

The ability to recognize our feelings regulates our emotions – “when we can name it, we can tame it.” If we can simply NAME an emotion, it can calm our brain down.

Once we identify what we are feeling, we can identify what we need. Meeting our needs on a consistent basis leads to greater satisfaction and fulfillment. It also helps to avoid compulsive behaviors, which can simply be attempts at meeting an unexpressed need.

Expressing feelings allows us to be vulnerable with others and increases connection and intimacy, while reducing conflict.

Check in throughout your day and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now and what do I need?”

How Do You Relate To Your Emotions?

As human beings we have many different ways of dealing with our feelings. The most fundamental way that we deal with our feelings is to conceal them from others and even to ourselves. Or we try to change them.

We suppress them, deny them, drink over them, drug over them, eat over them, exercise over them, or just try to pretend they don’t exist. All of these ways of dealing with our feelings reflect a basic attitude that we should not feel what we feel so now we must try to do something about them.

When feelings are unexpressed or repressed we are more likely to experience symptoms. Not expressing them does not mean they are not there.

Unexpressed feelings are more likely to lead to unhealthy behaviors or habits as well.

Feelings can come out sideways when they live in the shadows and our behavior becomes reactive and out of our control. Have you ever snapped at someone unexpectedly? The feeling was lurking and came out in a reactive way.

What Others Say Doesn’t CAUSE Us to Feel a Certain Way:

Have you ever said, “you make me so____!” It can feel like our feelings happen or occur based on others’ behaviors, right? Well, not actually. What others say and do is a stimulus, but not the actual cause of why we feel the way we do.

It is how we choose to receive what others say and do along with our own needs and expectations that causes feelings. This means we have responsibility, and control over how we feel.

Example: someone says something negative to us. We have four options on how to receive it:

Take it personally by hearing blame and criticism. In this example, we accept the other person’s judgment and blame ourselves. When we do this, we can feel shame and depressed.

Blame the speaker. “You’re the one who….”When we blame others, we’re likely to feel anger.

Focus on our own feelings and needs. For example, “when I hear you say that I am self-centered, I feel hurt because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate of you.” Focusing on our own feelings and needs allows us to recognize the unmet need in the situation – in this case, the need to be recognized.

Focus on the other person’s feelings and needs. For example, “Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration?”

Lists of Feeling Words & Thoughts:

Many people find it difficult to identify what they are feeling. Our thoughts are often connected to our emotions. This thought and emotions list can help you identify your emotions by locating your feelings or identify thoughts and emotions occurring together.

Use this feeling list for journaling and self awareness. Notice how your feelings change with your thoughts.

What do I need?

Many people have been conditioned to shut down their feelings as well as their needs. That can make it challenging to identify both your feelings AND your needs. When you can’t identify your needs, you can’t take action to meet them and you’re left feeling angry, empty, depressed or otherwise unsatisfied.

A feeling is a spontaneous inner reaction to a person, place or situation. It can be a present situation or a situation which I am thinking about or picturing in my mind. Feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad. They can be pleasant or unpleasant (or difficult).

Feelings don’t mean anything. A feeling is what it is. A feeling is a feeling is a feeling.

We can describe feelings using: Physical sensation, Image, Inner conversation, Behavior, Memory.

Describing our feelings helps bring greater clarity to our internal experience. And it can help you to hone in on the more specific emotion that you are experiencing. The greater clarity you have, the greater you can regulate emotions and communicate with others.

Example: “I feel nervous ”

Physical Sensation

Heart pounding, sweaty palms, upset stomach, dry mouth, chilled, hot, giggling, etc

“I feel nervous. My heart is pounding, my palms are sweating and my stomach is upset.”

Image

◆ Painting a picture

An image of a scene or a situation

“I feel nervous like how a person might feel walking down a dark alley” or “I feel nervous like a child giving an oral report in front of the class”

◆ Intensity

Rate the feeling on a scale from 1 to 10

“I feel nervous. It’s about a 9”

◆ Taste

Sour, bitter, sweet, etc

“I feel nervous. If it had a color it would be orange like a warning sign that is flashing danger.”

◆ Touch

Scratchy, soft, prickly, sharp, etc

“I feel nervous like touching a prickly porcupine”

◆ Sound

Screech, crack of thunder, birds twittering and chirping, high pitched

“I feel nervous like when I hear the sound of thunder”

Inner Conversation

What am I telling myself, what am I thinking, what am I “believing”

“I feel nervous. I’m telling myself ‘I’m trapped. There is no way out.”

Behavior

◆ Actions

What do I tend to act out? What do I tend to do? Where do I tend to go?

“I feel nervous. I tend to want to go eat something to soothe me”

◆ Words

What words tend to come out of my mouth? What do I tend to say?

“I feel nervous. I tend to say ‘don’t bother me. Stay away from me’”

Memory/Past experience

Something you have experienced in the past like childbirth, riding a bike for the first time, walking on the beach, watching a movie, death of a loved one, etc

“I feel nervous like the time when I had to perform in front of an audience for the first time”

Checking in Daily: What am I Feeling?

Take a moment out of your day to ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” This may take no more than a couple of minutes but you can certainly take more time to clarify your feelings. Sometimes, simply acknowledging the feeling allows it to disappear but other feelings may require a little more working through.

Once you identify the feeling, write out some of the thoughts that go along with the feeling. Work to distinguish the context and the thoughts that you are having in your own mind rather than to the external event or person.

Owning Your Thoughts and Feelings

Taking responsibility for your inner world is simply saying, “These are my thoughts and feelings”. I am thinking these thoughts, I am feeling these feelings and I am remembering my memories.

“Owning” your thoughts and feelings places you with them and helps you recognize that you are the chooser. And being the chooser of your thoughts and feelings means that you can keep them or let them go. You can feel them and let them pass

Knowing that you are responsible for your thoughts and feelings opens up new possibilities in life. You discover that certain thoughts and feelings are the source of your unhappiness. When you can identify the unpleasant thoughts keeping you stuck, you can develop new strategies to change them. It might not be easy, but it does put you in greater control than just accepting them and feeling bad.

When you can “step outside” of the feeling, observe it, own it and realize that you can observe the feeling, then you can decide how to react.

When you live in your thoughts and feelings you cannot share them because you cannot observe them. All you can do is “be” them.

Prompts to investigate feelings and thoughts:

1. How long have I had these feelings and thoughts? When can I first recall having these feelings?

2. What behaviors do I act out when I have these feelings? Do I try to control? Do I try to be right? Do I justify myself? Do I punish? Do I blame? Do I play being a victim? Do I try to fix someone? Do I hide? Do I avoid? Do I try to dominate?

3. What is it doing to me to have these feelings and thoughts? What is the impact on my life? How do these emotions affect me? Do these feelings help me or hurt me? Do these feelings bring me pain and misery or joy and happiness? Do these feelings bring me closer to what I want in life or do they hold me back? What is the cost of having these feelings?

4. While we don’t like to think that we are getting some payoff out of maintaining certain emotions, consider that there is something that you “get” or attempt to “get” out of having these feelings. What is it doing for me to have these feelings? What am I trying to get by having these emotions? Is it working?

5. What is a possible difference it could make to my life if these feelings disappeared? What would the disappearance of these feelings make available to me? Is there any fear in not having these feelings?

6. Who do I say is responsible for these feelings? What are my beliefs about who is responsible? And who is really responsible for these feelings. Who is choosing these emotions? Can I take responsibility for these feelings?

7. Is it possible for me to let go of my negative thoughts and feelings?

8. If I could replace these feelings with a new possibility that would really make a difference in my life, what would I like to feel? How would I like to be? What is another way that I could see this situation? Or, is there another way I could think about this situation? If I could replace those negative feelings with a new possibility, what would I replace them with?

9. Am I willing to allow these new feelings into my awareness now?

photo by @ericmencher

Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?

 My transformational approach is a process where awareness, alignment, and action work together as catalysts to create momentum for change. 

*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.

*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.

*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.

Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.

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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!