Couple’s Conflict: Negative Sentiment Override
Have you ever felt like you can't do anything right with your partner? Whatever move you make is wrong? That what you do gets interpreted in the worst possible light?
You are not making it up. John Gottman, who has been studying couples for the last 40 years, coined the term "Negative Sentiment Override" to explain this phenomenon exactly. Think of it as the antithesis of those rose-tinted glasses that once made you seemingly invincible. Negative sentiment override implies that even your positive gestures or neutral intentions become tinged with negativity. It's as though your well-meaning efforts no longer register as positives when your partner expects the worst from you.
Maybe you can remember one time when you were in the negative perspective too… you perceived any interaction regardless of its intention as negative. You did not give your partner the benefit of the doubt and would not attempt to make repairs after an argument. You were stuck in seeing the negative side of your partner and your relationship. While in negative sentiment override, you bring past frustrations into consideration and fail to see your partner in the actual moment. You use whatever went wrong in the past to justify the negative assumption of the present. You may notice that you are quick to get irritated or annoyed by things your partner says or does or feel criticized easily.
Every interaction, regardless of intent, seemed to carry a pessimistic undertone. Doubt overshadowed any attempt at post-argument resolution. It's that feeling of being fixated on your partner's flaws and the darker aspects of your relationship. While in this negative sentiment override mode, the past's disappointments overshadow the present moment, justifying the negative assumptions you make. You are quick to irritation, take offense at your partner's words or actions, and feel a heightened sensitivity to criticism.
This is a big one. Remember when you ran late from work last week, arriving fifteen minutes behind schedule for your date night? Your wife's anger was palpable; she was convinced that your tardiness was a sign of indifference. And what about the time you forgot to buy the milk? It wasn't merely about milk; it was a manifestation of your consistent irresponsibility.
It's important to understand that this isn't about your wife being unreasonable. Rather, it's a consequence of your relationship's rhythm being out of sync. Everything gets interpreted negatively and doubt prevails.
When negative sentiment override takes over, you tend to assign the worst motives to your partner's actions and intentions. Even neutral or positive gestures can appear tinged with negativity or hostility. This negative bias can lead to a cycle of misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and escalated conflicts. It is like there's a filter that screens out the positive moments, leading you to rewrite your shared history.
Escaping this pattern demands recognition. Acknowledge that negative sentiment override has taken root, and choose curiosity. Rather than assuming your partner's intentions, give them the benefit of the doubt. Own your assumptions as coming from within rather than projecting them outward.
For more information about shifting from negative sentiment to a positive sentiment override, don't hesitate to drop me a message here.
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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