The Supply and Demand Dynamic in Couples

I am meticulous. I must admit, I like things neat and tidy. I want the dishwasher loaded in a certain way. I am absolutely intolerant of shoes on the bed (we actually take them off at the entrance of our house). Sand in the bed? Absolutely impossible.

Is it any wonder that my husband has nearly completely stepped out of the cleaning duties around the house? I want things in such a specific way. He says my standards are too high, so why bother?

Our dynamic is an extreme example of what happens with many couples. One partner tends to take on more work in a particular area, prompting the other to do less. It feels like a "supply and demand" phenomenon creating an automatic push-and-pull effect that can either feel like a strength or a strain on the relationship. You can also look at this as an over-functioning and under-functioning dynamic. 

The more Partner A over-functions, the more Partner B under-functions. The more Partner B under-functions, the more Partner A over-functions. ⁣These roles are entangled.⁣ It becomes a dance. The more I do this, the more you do that. If either one changes up their “moves,” the dynamic cannot continue in the same way.⁣

Imagine a couple, Becca and Lyle. Becca excels at managing household finances, so she naturally takes on this responsibility. Over time, Lyle becomes less involved in financial matters, trusting Becca's expertise. This shift isn't necessarily a conscious decision; it's an automatic response to the balance Becca has created. In essence, the more Becca supplies in terms of financial management, the less Lyle feels the need to contribute, and vice versa.

This dynamic can be understood through the lens of several psychological theories:

Social Exchange Theory:

Relationships are formed and maintained through a cost-benefit analysis. When one partner invests more in a specific area, the other partner may reduce their input, creating a balance of effort and reward.

Role Theory:

As partners settle into their roles within the relationship, they may unconsciously reinforce each other's behaviors. Becca's ease in handling finances reinforces Lyle's lesser involvement, and this pattern becomes static.

The Push and Pull Effect:

The supply and demand dynamic creates an automatic push and pull in relationships. When one partner steps up in a particular domain, the other may step back, not out of laziness or lack of interest, but as a natural response to the other’s ability to get the job done. They feel their effort is redundant.. However, this balance can become skewed if not addressed, leading to resentment and dissatisfaction.

How This Plays Out:

Feeling overwhelmed by taking on too much or feeling accused of not doing enough is a common experience. It's essential to understand that this dynamic doesn't indicate a failing relationship but rather a natural ebb and flow of responsibilities. Recognizing this can help you feel less isolated in your experiences.

Finding Equilibrium…

Assertive Communication:

Be direct and assertive about your needs and longings. Clearly expressing how you feel and what you need can prevent misunderstandings and ensure that both partners are on the same page. If you feel overwhelmed or underutilized, voice these concerns directly and honestly (without assumptions or accusations).

Open Communication:

Regularly discuss the distribution of responsibilities. It is key to maintaining relationship satisfaction and managing conflict effectively and in a timely manner, so resentments don’t stew.

Clear Boundaries:

Establish clear boundaries regarding your responsibilities and limits. Clear boundaries help ensure that neither partner feels overburdened or taken advantage of. They provide a framework for understanding each other's limits and capacities.

Flexibility:

Be willing to adapt and change roles. Life circumstances and individual capabilities can shift, and so should the division of labor. Being adaptive and ready to change when your partner needs your help is crucial for long-term relationship growth.

Mutual Support:

Encourage and support each other in taking on new responsibilities. This not only balances the workload but also fosters growth and shared experiences. Perceived partner support significantly contributes to relationship satisfaction and individual well-being.

Appreciation:

Make an effort to express appreciation for your partner’s hard work and gifts. Even if you think it is obvious, saying thank you in the moment goes a long way to reinforce your partner’s efforts.

Relationship Agreements:

Here are some things you can do to create change:

Talk together about what feels unfair (division of labor, emotion regulation, interfacing with the outside world, sex, finances and ambition)

Agree to shake things up. Agree to try something new.

If even one of you tries something different, the dance will change.

If you make agreements from a place of curiosity and observation, then there is less blame involved..

Get as specific as you can. What will you do differently? For how long? How often? When will you follow up?

If you are the over-functioner, challenge yourself to consider where you might be able to experiment. Where might you be able to back off, let go, and surrender? Even if that means something will fall through the cracks. Even if you experience anxiety. Even if it means that your partner feels disappointed or struggles a bit.

If you are the under-functioner, challenge yourself to consider where you might be able to step up. Where might you be able to anticipate, look ahead, and initiate? Even if that means you have to tolerate the discomfort of worrying that you’ll do it wrong or be rejected. Even if it means that your partner doesn’t like how you do something.

When the person in the underfunctioning role steps up, it is imperative that the person in the overfunctioning role resist the urge to critique how their partner does that thing.

The supply and demand dynamic is a natural part of relationships. By understanding and acknowledging this push-and-pull effect, you and your partner can navigate your shared responsibilities more effectively, realizing there is no such thing as a perfect 50/50 balance in intimate relationships. We all do a little more or a little less, but as each of us is a unique human being, we need to find our fit in the puzzle together.

Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.

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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!