Stepping into Emotional Responsiveness
Have you ever been so frustrated with another human being for not acknowledging your feelings? For feeling quieted, unseen, unheard, or misunderstood? The feeling of being met is called “emotional responsiveness.” Emotional responsiveness is the idea that our partners, parents, children, and closest friends are willing to tune into the emotional tone of our words, gestures, and non-verbals. They allow themselves to feel what we feel even if it is uncomfortable. They are not overwhelmed with our feelings, instead, they are able to see them without being blocked by their own fears. They can see the hurt in you and be with it, rather than taking it personally or making it about them. As Sue Johnson says “we are social bonding mammals” this is our nature. We need emotional responsiveness.
It is usually one of the following factors that block our loved ones from being emotionally responsive:
-They are not paying attention. They are in their own movie and are so involved that they didn’t notice or interpret your feelings correctly.
-They can’t acknowledge your strong feelings because they can’t acknowledge their own. When a person is constantly stuffing their own feeling or burying, they can not possibly be with your stuff.
-Facing your feelings means that something is wrong and they would prefer to avoid it.
-They feel blamed and are suppressing their fear and discomfort.
The first issue of not paying attention should be the easiest to process and move through… by putting careful attention on another person. This can be learned without diving that deep.
The issue of a person not acknowledging their own big emotions is more complicated. This probably began as a coping mechanism in childhood when there was no space for them to feel, no one attuned to their feelings, a culture of pushing feelings aside, conflict aversion, etc…
The first step to beginning the work of allowing feelings space to exist is awareness. That means just noticing and allowing the feeling to take up space. The feelings don’t need to be solved. The feelings don’t need to be interpreted or explained. They don’t need to be acted upon. The feelings just need to be felt in a raw and physical way.
Once we allow our feelings a space without intellectualizing or solving them, we get to own them. They can just exist in their own space. This creates the pause, the space before reacting or deciding what happens next.
Start with curiosity. Start without judgment. Let spaciousness and flexibility be your goals…
Maybe you are also interested in how to support and validate, how to be accountable in your relationship, the balance-book mentality and understanding relationship patterns?
To dive deeper, reach out to me. As a psychotherapist, emotion and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of searching.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
