How to Apologize Effectively

Photo by: Kass Mencher

I often wonder why saying sorry can be so hard for so many people. I’m on the other side of the spectrum, I say sorry when someone steps on MY foot or bumps into me… because I’m sorry for the situation. I don’t see it as a story about blame. Instead, it is about human kindness and good manners. For others, the act of saying sorry is a blow to their ego.  A blow to their tight-knit self concept.

My 7-year-old daughter is one of those people... When a sorry is really necessary to just move along the bad feelings, she digs in and somehow feels she can’t give it. And those, I’m not looking in your eye, whispering out of the corner of my mouth “sorries,” JUST DON’T COUNT! These sub-rate apologies offend more than the person not saying sorry altogether.

Instead, an apology is really a way to give comfort to another person, to show and express that you see how you hurt them and that you want to make amends. The apologizer needs to NOT 1) justify their behavior; 2) make excuses or blame someone or something else; nor  3) minimize the hurt they caused by saying “I didn’t really mean it” or “I was just kidding.”

Here are the elements of an effective apology according to Nick Smith, an assistant professor of philosophy at the University of New Hampshire who has studied apologies extensively and is the author of: I Was Wrong: The Meaning of Apologies.

It's prompt. You apologize after you realize you've done something wrong. 

Agree on the facts. It may be humiliating, but you can't apologize for something without coming clean about the fact that it happened in the first place.

Take responsibility. You do not make excuses or blame others. You acknowledge the mistakes you made that hurt the other person. Say: "When I said [the hurtful thing], I wasn’t thinking. I realize I hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry," acknowledges that you know what it was you said that hurt the other person, and you take responsibility for it.

Explain what you did wrong. Say that it was wrong.  Remember that when you apologize, you're taking responsibility for your part of the conflict. That doesn't mean that you're admitting that the entire conflict was your fault. 

Express regret. "I'm sorry," works fine. "I'm sorry that..." does not. That's similar to "I'm sorry your dog died." That is an expression of sympathy, not an apology. What to say when you want to apologize: "I wish I could take it back." "I wish I had been more thoughtful."

"I wish I’d thought of your feelings as well."

Make amends. This isn't always possible, of course. If there's something you can do to make it up to the person you've offended, do so. 

What to Say When You Make Amends

If you broke something: "How can I replace it?"

If you said something hurtful: "I know my words hurt you. I should have never spoken that way to someone I love and respect. I'll do my best to think before I speak in the future."

If you broke trust: "Is there anything I can do right now to help build your trust?"Whatever you can do to make things better, do it. If you’re not sure what would help, ask the other person.

Explain why it won't happen again.

By apologizing, you are able to acknowledge that you were wrong; discuss what is allowed and not allowed in your relationship; express your regret and remorse; learn from your mistakes and find new ways of dealing with difficult situations; and open up a line of communication with the other person and create a deeper more vulnerable relationship.

Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?

 My transformational approach is a process where awareness, alignment, and action work together as catalysts to create momentum for change. 

*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.

*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.

*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.

Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.

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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!