Nurturing Connection
What works in helping couples that feel misunderstood and disconnected come back to each other?
This is a big one... I work with couples and still fall in and out of conflict with my husband. Conflict is normal. We are not going to get along 100% of the time with any human being. Especially as we often pick a partner that is significantly different from ourselves in several crucial ways. (I would actually say that we pick partners that are that different from us in an UNCONSCIOUS desire to repair old issues and to help us evolve… but that is a whole other matter). Suffice to say, we won’t find our partners perfect as they aren’t us. They will press our buttons. As Dan Wile said, with every new partner there is a new set of problems…
Here is a very general way to start to repair and bring yourself back together, whether you have been fighting over and over again or this is the first time… Take note of (and see where you can shift):
*What we know intellectually often doesn’t translate into what we know or feel deep inside. Notice how you communicate and if your partner is understanding what you really want to say. Don’t assume.
*Take the time to really listen. That means accepting that there are multiple perspectives on every situation and you are not necessarily right. Your partner’s perspective is as valid as yours. Try to understand them rather than going straight into persuasion.
*Staying curious helps stave off our instinct to be defensive and critical. To wonder and question things always beats assumptions.
*Putting energy into the relationship is a must. An effort is necessary. Things don’t just fall into place over decades.
*Time together as a couple (not focused on work, kids or logistics) is critical.
*Learn how to speak to one another and get out of old routines of communication. This is an important step to start having new conversations.
*New communication patterns feel awkward and strained at first but really can help deepen the relationship. A conflict is a chance to get deeper and grow more understanding.
*Ask your partner if they need help… this gives them the feeling you are on their team.
*Appreciating all the little things makes a big difference.
*Touch and sex are very important.
*Stop waiting for your partner to change. You can’t look to the changes you want in your partner. You must focus on what you can do.
*Have fun. Make time for fun. Do new things together.
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
