Your Blueprint for Fear

Before we left Guatemala, in our last chaotic months, someone stole Niels’s bike. If you know Niels, you know that he does not simply accept lost or stolen items. He fights.

A bit of a backstory:

When we lived in San Marcos and Luca was still a baby there were a lot of robberies and muggings. As community members and business owners, we felt a responsibility to do something. Niels organized night guards to patrol the tourist paths and offer safe walks to tourists back to their hotels at night.

But he didn’t stop there. He patrolled himself with a baton, baseball bat or another weapon of choice. He called the thieves out by name. He posted flyers all over town with the pictures of them. He spray painted on the door of a known thief who had stolen something from us: “aqui vive el ladron que te robo” (this is where the thief that robbed you lives).

Each time we heard a thief was on the lakeshore and may be targeting unbeknownst tourists (who would leave their belongings unattended to have a swim), Niels would go running out of the hotel looking to catch them. Soon he had a group of other community members on speed dial who went chasing with him.

San Marcos was a bit like the Wild West.

Every bad guy in town knew he was looking for them and they were looking for him. Julio Cesar put the word out that he would kill Niels if he had the chance. I was terrified. I might be a New York City girl but I had never gotten into a fight. I abhor violence. I’m a wimp. Or that’s how I felt. I can fight with words and emotion, but blood and violence scares the shit out of me!

So here I am with a baby and a crusader-vigilante husband. And in the end, Niels was right, his efforts inspired others to stand up and take action. The few young guys who went unchecked fell back in line, the robberies and muggings stopped.

Now back to present day… Niels’s bike is stolen. He plasters “reward” signs around the neighborhood looking for information related to his bike. Several neighbors call anonymously. He gathers enough information to know who stole the bike. The kid (probably 18 or 19) had sent text messages offering the bike for sale with a picture of it. Another neighbor saw him with the bike.

Niels went to the kid’s house and demanded the bike back. That didn’t work. Niels befriended him on Facebook and made further threats. He then plastered the neighborhood with the kid’s picture and a warning that he is a thief. He filed a police report.

As foreigners it is a bit delicate. We always want to be in step with the local community. Many neighbors reached out to Niels to say they supported him, but no one was willing to speak publicly. So one more time I am with the vigilante husband and 3 kids…

I was worried, these boys would come after him, me or the kids. Niels was sure that standing up and not being intimidated would send the message that we would not allow any boundary violations. I instead went to the fear place, that fighting would make us a target. Niels didn’t help my fear by asking me to not go on my morning hike, so no one would target me.

So that night, after all this erupted, I could not sleep. I compulsively checked our security cameras from my phone.

I decide to take the advice I give. I worked the steps of moving through emotions. Here is what I went through:

I went into my physical sensations. I welcomed them. I felt every bit of resistance to FEELING fear and pushed past the aversion. I felt the fear intensely in my solar plexus. I felt the butterflies. I felt this annoying constant buzzing and pressure in my stomach. I felt my alertness. I felt my adrenaline.

I kept on feeling all night, not pushing it away. When I woke up at 3am and could not go back to sleep. I went back to feeling and then opened up a dialogue. I said to my fear: “hello fear. I know you are here to protect me. So protect me. Tell me what I need to do.” As I listened, I heard the practical: a few more security cameras, secure the property better, don’t walk past the boy’s house to go on my morning hike. I realized I had been worried that I would have to give up my hikes.

Next I confirmed with my fear that all of the concerns were noted. That we would take care of them. That we would take the threat seriously.

Then I thought about my values. What would I be willing to sacrifice and what would I need to hold my ground on. When I considered not hiking out of fear, my fear got bigger and I felt anger and imposed upon. (Later Ispoke to Niels and we found a “safe” alternative in which I couldn’t be a victim of retaliation. I felt much better about my fear. I had listened to the fear. Taken its advice)

As I went through these steps, the tension in my chest dissipated. I could feel better about Niels’s need to take a stand. And I realized that the situation activated the memory of the past in which there had been a lurking sense of unsafety for nearly a year. In that time I carried a lot of tension that I never let go of. It stayed buried and was activated now.

Your blueprint for dealing with fear:

*Acknowledge the emotion. Don’t try to avoid it. Just name it. Noticing and labeling your feelings is the first step to figuring out their message.

*Feel the emotion in an experiential way. Pay attention to the sensations you’re having: experiential, somatic, and physical. You’re interviewing the sensations: what’s the story they want to tell you? Drop into your body and become mindful of the physical sensations you experience. Where is the sensation? Is there pressure? Is it light? Intense? Really feel and notice it. Let it have life. Do not deny it in any way. The key is you’re not pushing away the sensations and you’re not pushing away your feelings. You’re listening to see what you need to learn.

*Next you want to listen to your feelings. Our feelings are always trying to communicate something. Our feeling of fear is always about protecting us from something. Now is the time to really listen to what is going on under the surface. What is the worst case scenario? Sometimes saying the worst of the worst is freedom from the unspoken.

*Ask your fear/emotion: “what is your purpose? What is the message being sent to me? What are you trying to tell me? What do you want me to do?” Just listen and lean into your feelings.

*Have a dialogue and attend to the suggestions. Really listen as if it were a friend advising you and try to take the suggestions if helpful, let your feelings know you are listening. Take this as a constructive creative solutions focused conversation. Soothe your fear with your readiness to take action.

*Connect why you are feeling the way you are, and whether it is related to an old problem or the current situation. Are you judging your feelings, trying to control them, associating them with old stories about yourself, or are you triggered by an old similar memory? Is it an instinctual old reaction? Is it an old story coming up?

Are there any thoughts that come up? (Like your expectation of the worst-case scenario). Is there anything repetitive?

*And finally connect your values and what you want in relation to the fear. Is the fear stopping you from doing something? Is there another emotion that is getting trapped and entwined in the fear?

And breath. And pause. And maybe you will feel some relief when you allow the emotion to be felt, listened to and not judged.

Now notice how much energy you will save by NOT feeling aversion to your feelings. Each time you avoid anything, you give more power to that thing! You invest in what you don’t want and keep it on the forefront of our mind.

Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?

 My transformational approach is a process where awareness, alignment, and action work together as catalysts to create momentum for change. 

*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.

*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.

*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.

Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.

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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!