Expat Move, Slowing Down, The Vacuum Cleaner, and Privilege
Behind closed doors we all struggle. Life in relationships is hard work: it is a constant cycle of connect and disconnect. The notion of happily ever after portrayed in fairy tales is far from reality. Life is way more complex, textured and nuanced.
Recently we have been put in touch with our first-world reality versus our third-world privilege. In Guatemala, due to the lower cost of living and our established businesses we could afford to have lots of help. We had a housekeeper come in nearly everyday of the week. We had fine tuned our life to the point that I hardly had any chores that I didn’t want to do. I never cleaned toilets, mopped the floor, did laundry, changed sheets… I lived third-world privilege. And the kids did too. We became entitled… beyond privileged.
I arrived in Portugal nearly 2 weeks ago. The first 4 days were bad. To be honest, Niels and I were totally disconnected, I could hardly see the way forward. He felt unappreciated for all his hard work and that nothing was enough for me: the demanding, princess New Yorker. I felt he had rushed the move and nothing was ready… And he didn’t try to understand my sadness and loss. The emotional pain was compounded by the physical reality: one bathroom was leaking from the sink, the hot water heater was howling like an angry ghost, light switches didn’t work, the projects looked daunting and everything felt dirty.
Of course we each had our own expectations and disappointments. And it rained for 4 days which didn’t help.
But finally we were able to reconnect. To honestly acknowledge the other without feeling our own feelings shut down. We consciously slowed down our urgent to-do list. Acknowledged we would be living in an imperfect space for a while with a bunch of inconveniences but that was okay if we could relax and enjoy life. We stopped racing to fix this or that. We began to sleep well and lay in bed in the morning. We decided that the renovations would move slower but we would still have a marriage and enjoy being together. We decided the priority was time over perfection.
Since our arrival, new things have broken in our old house (built 1698) and a few things have been fixed. Our washing machine was delivered yesterday, but the first wash plunged our house into darkness… We are embracing flexibility. I am hiking, seeing clients over zoom, exploring and swimming. The little ones are building a duck pond. We are taking it slow. We realize things don’t move at our pace and us slowing down is the only way. We are eating tons of cherries, strawberries, peaches, plums and nectarines. We are discovering the joys of a vacuum cleaner. And the warmth of the Portuguese people.
Life is not perfect and it will never be. We are learning to be less attached to how things “should” be. And more flexible with what is. We divided up the chores in the house and the kids have responsibilities that are essential for the household to function well. We are imperfect. We are in process.
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
