The Source of Resentment
I notice that in both my clinical practice and in my life, the same themes come up all at the same time and keep on pushing me until I come to some sort of understanding. It is as if the universe throws an issue at me over and over and over again until I can see it from every direction and have a perspective. I am guided by the struggles I see, the wisdom of science, and the many psychologists and philosophers before me.
The last few weeks have brought resentment. Resentment has been an underlying theme I have been seeing with a very talented couple whose devotion to their young children and their purpose in the world means they have very high expectations of themselves. Both feel the profound weight of their social projects and their place on the earth making it a better place. With their devotion comes a kind of perfectionistic expectation, and with that expectation/disappointment resentment arrived.
At first, I worked in circles around the resentment, the anger, the balance book mentality, the questions of fairness… until I finally understood the story. Our resentment is not about our anger with another person, it is our anger at ourselves for allowing something to happen. Something happens and that makes us angry, but what makes resentment different from plain vanilla anger, is us being upset with ourselves for allowing the incident to occur and then projecting the brewing anger at another person. Resentment is a biased speaker: you can’t trust your voice or your logic. Resentment speaks from a place of loss.
On the surface, resentment seems to be anger that rises after an injury; it lingers and builds; it is chronic anger; a habit of anger. It is the mental process of repetitively replaying a feeling, and the events leading up to it that angers us. We don't replay a cool litany of facts in resentment; we re-experience and re-live them in ways that affect us emotionally, physiologically, and spiritually in very destructive ways. But the complexity of resentment, the reason it is so hard to let go of, is we are not purely angry at another person for their misdeed, but at ourselves for allowing it to happen. (Maybe we weren’t assertive enough or should have known better?) We replay the story and each incarnation makes us more frustrated that we didn’t change the tune or couldn’t redirect the course…
Our self-blame is not so vivid on the surface. We aren’t blaming ourselves. We are angry with that other person for what they have “done to us,” but are more outraged for our tacit consent. The resentment can be for a real or imagined injustice (inflicted by the other person and by ourselves). The actual facts are not what hurts, it is the interpretation and our re-telling of the story.
Exercises to Journal on Resentment:
(I believe in the power of journaling. So if you haven’t begun integrating a journal into your life… Here is a push. Writing about your feelings can help the brain overcome emotional issues and help you feel happier, says research from the University of California in Los Angeles. In a study, people who wrote about an emotional situation showed more activity in the emotion-regulating section of the brain which, in turn, appeared to trick the brain into feeling better in an unconscious way. Their research showed that when people wrote about their feelings, medical scans showed that their brain activity matched the activity seen in volunteers who were consciously trying to control their emotions. The mere act of journaling just made them calmer and happier).
Identify & Describe The Situation:
Name it, define it, don’t hide from it! Recognize when you are feeling angry, and try to determine the cause. Is the cause something you can change or control, or is it out of your hands?
Understand how you behaved in the situation:
What thoughts were you having while in the situation? Did you have an inkling that things were not okay or not safe? Notice if any of your behaviors contributed to what happened.
Can you forgive yourself for your role in the situation?
Compassion, or genuine sympathy for the misfortunes of others, is a key ingredient to forgiveness. When we consider the fact that a person’s behavior likely has more to do with their baggage than our performance, it changes the way we view interactions with this person. It’s also worth writing down actions you may have taken that harmed the other person. And it is worth noting how the interaction between two people is often taking on different energy than adding 1+1 to equal 2.
Once the resentment surfaced...
Where did it come from? What benefit do you get from it? How has holding the resentment benefited you? How would letting go of this resentment benefit you? How has holding this resentment made things harder for you? How would letting go of this resentment make things harder for you? Ask yourself what you need to let go of to free yourself from resentment?
Find Workable Solutions:
What is under your control? What is out of your control? You have to recognize the things that are out of your control and understand that you cannot change them. Knowing what you can control will let you use your limited energy in the most effective way possible.
Change Your Perspective:
Psychologists, Özlem Ayduk from the University of California-Berkeley and Ethan Kross from the University of Michigan, studied the effect of self-distancing on negative emotions. Self-distancing is the act of replaying a scenario in your mind as though you were watching it from across the room (think of a reporters unbiased commentary). Revisit the event that is causing you resentment without guessing what the other party involved thought or felt in the moment. What actions did the person take? What words did the person speak? Think of this exercise as trimming away your emotionally charged interpretations, clarifying the facts instead. In practicing self-distancing, participants in Ayduk and Kross’ study were able to approach their healing process from a self-reflective and problem-solving space, rather than an emotionally reactive space.
If you’re having difficulty moving past anger and resentment, replay the situation in your mind, but do it from the perspective of the video camera in the corner of the room or the fly on the wall. Don’t try to guess what the other person is “really” thinking or feeling. Limit yourself to the spoken words and observable actions. This simple trick of self-distancing can reduce harmful interpretations and feelings so you can let go of the anger and resentment, and move forward with achieving great career success.
Resentment as an Addictive Mindset:
Notice if you are using resentment to replicate old dramas and acknowledge that you cannot change the past.
Examine how your resentment may come from mentally confusing people in your present life with people from your past.
Acknowledge that you cannot control those who have rejected you.
Recognize that your resentment gives you only illusions of strength. Instead, highlight and validate your real strength and power.
How real or imagined are the offenses?
What has the specific resentment against each of these people done to your attitude about you and your future?
How paralyzed are you in your efforts toward personal growth by the resentment you carry toward each of these people?
What irrational thinking are you locked into because of your resentment?
How will ridding yourself of resentment help you to develop a positive belief system in your life?
What blocks your attempts to express your anger openly?
What new behavior do you need to develop to freely express your anger and rid yourself of energy-draining resentment?
What new rational thinking do you need to develop to overcome the negative impact of resentment?
How will your life be positively impacted by getting rid of resentment?
What new behavior do you need to develop to ensure that new resentment doesn't arise?
What new attitudes and approaches do you need to develop after ridding yourself of resentment?
Resentment & You
Reflect upon what part of your life each resentment affects. If you resent an old boss who made you feel inferior, you might say that it affects your self-esteem or confidence. The point is to become acutely aware of the specific ways that the resentment is impacting your identity, and your ability to feel safe, secure, and loved.
Next to the reason, or cause for resentment, you are going to write down your part
This is how YOU have contributed to the problem.
Back to the boss example, at this point, you’ve established that you resent your boss, that you resent your boss because of unreasonable deadlines. Your part in this problem could be that you never spoke up and asked for less work.
This is where honesty and willingness come in. You must be honest about your part and willing to own it.
Another blog about resentment: “letting go of grudges and resentment”
Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?
My transformational approach is a process where awareness, alignment, and action work together as catalysts to create momentum for change.
*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.
*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.
*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.
Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.
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