Sibling Jealousy, Evolution and Fairness
Summer vacation brings an intensity of togetherness to our family. We take long trips and spend a lot of time together, on top of each other much more than in day-to-day life. We confront each other's worst habits, irritability, anger, and annoyance. Every year, as we plan the summer, I worry: How will it go? How will we manage?
And each summer, we confront and learn something new. We have adventures and stretch ourselves. But it’s hard work. I’ve been chewing on the issue of sibling jealousy for a while now, and our recent road trip brought it to the front of my mind…
It is painful for me to watch. It seems they are always comparing: who has more, who should be punished, who sat in the front seat longer, who gets control of the music, who ate the last bite of the baguette or the blueberries.
So I started contemplating. Out of my deep desire for peace and harmony, I wish my children would stop competing with and fighting each other. But is that a fair request?
When I think in terms of evolution, I realize my kids are doing exactly what they were born to do: survive. Their antiquated nervous systems have not kept up with the modern world. They see their siblings as competitors for limited resources and want to ensure they get their due. They sense that their biggest competitors for my love and resources are each other.
I’ve also felt my own antiquated nervous system reacting to the need to protect the smaller or weaker children from the bigger ones. My mama bear instinct always kicks in when I feel an older child dominating or taking advantage of a younger one. Sometimes the speed and intensity of my need to defend shocks even me. So how can I expect them to let go of their naturally wired competitiveness?
To be clear, I’ve tried to be very fair: splitting the gummy bears perfectly into thirds, making sure the ice cream bowls are exactly equal, and timing the music control down to the second. But I’m ready to let go of that backbending fairness. I’m ready to allow some unfairness to show up, as it does in life. I’m ready to estimate the number of gummy bears in a handful rather than count them out one by one. I want my kids to get comfortable with the reality that we can’t control everything. There will be unfair moments. I want to balance my deep desire for peace with an acceptance of the strife that inevitably comes when you have three kids.
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