Boundaries, Stinginess, Reactions and Germans

Every strong reaction lets me know that there is something to explore.

At the dentist, when they check your teeth, you can be sure that the sensitive spot is really worth examining. And you would give anything to not go there, but it is necessary. The strong reaction to dental pain is the same kind of sensor we have to something interpersonal or charged with ourselves. The anticipation of discomfort alerts us to the fact that there is a calling to go in there.

Have you ever had someone in your life that you feel a distaste for? You know you shouldn’t. You know they are a good person but you just kind of can’t put in the effort? There is an irreconcilable desire to withdraw. There is a desire to give the least amount of yourself.

I’ve was feeling this. Much to the discomfort of Niels who hates to see me in this ungenerous frame. 

He called me “stingy.” I don’t think he really gets the connotations and subtext of stingy in English. As he told me, it isn't a really negative word in German. And in Germany, a certain amount of stinginess is normal, customary, the way things go…

Germans are not warm off the bat, you need to earn their warmth. They aren’t generous with that emotion. They are also very even-Steven. Bills are split evenly (“going Dutch” could be also called “going German”). Germans can ask each other point blank about how much money spent on nearly any purchase and it isn’t rude.

So when I was told I was being stingy…. I was offended. The backstory. Niels wanted me to make pizzas for the guys who have been working on our renovation.

I have mixed feelings about the men. The guy in charge is overachieving, with lots of bravado and self-taught. He is a real force of nature, but demands a lot of attention. He kind of plays by his own rules and he has missed work for weeks without a phone call and put in tons of extra hours, loved our dog, but the inconsistency is enough to drive you crazy. You feel powerless to his whims…

I did not want to go to the effort of making pizzas (my effort) because Niels felt it would be a nice thank you for the work they put into remodeling my kitchen. I resented my time being volunteered. And I resented being called stingy for owning my time.

I looked a little deeper. I will give anything for the people I love and care about. My friends, family and clients get as much of me as they want. I hardly ever feel strained in giving. But with people outside of this circle, my boundaries are clear. I often say no.

And in thinking about this, I wondered about the horrors of the world. And how I would behave with my personal time when things are going horribly wrong for people outside of my loving circle. Do I set a boundary and behave stingy with my time and energy?

This really made me think… Where is the line drawn? What are the boundaries we set for our energy? How do we remain conscious citizens of the world while taking care of each of our own limited resources?

And by the way, I don’t think it is stingy to say no to someone else wanting to do something nice, but volunteering my time for it. But the discussion and the soul searching that followed was worth the discomfort.

Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?

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*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.

*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.

*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.

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