Roasting Marshmallows

I am also that person with my secret vice… my latest is roasting one ginormous marshmallow on a fork over the stovetop when my kids are not around. It is either after everyone goes to bed, with my dog watching me perplexed, or during the day when everyone is at school in that moment that I need a little boost.

I completed my Gottman Practicum (over a three-day Zoom class… 8 hours a day, lots of information) this weekend and it was one such case.  My gigantic marshmallow was both satisfying and a bit secretive. I am, after all, a bit of a health nut. My oldest son didn’t taste chocolate until he was 4. My kids aren’t allowed to drink sodas and rarely are fed junk food with me. Doritos are never in my cupboards.

So… I do judge myself a bit for the marshmallows while convincing myself it’s a funny little contradiction that I keep. I get to care about healthy food and indulge not only in the enormous marshmallow but in the deep satisfying pleasure of roasting it to perfection in the near darkness. 

I slowly turn my marshmallow, hoping it will inflate without bursting into flames, so the center is perfectly creamy. And then when I am satisfied with the expansion I will let it gently burn. This isn’t such a quick maneuver. But it is mine. And it feels a bit taboo, which makes it even better. I somehow like my bad habit, which I can laugh with myself at. I gently accept myself, knowing I wouldn’t want my kids to see me and request their marshmallows too.

And I believe we get to have some of our contradictions and vices. We are allowed to go for things even if they aren't logical and practical. I could substitute celery and dried mangoes. I like both. But I like that it isn't what I should be doing. I like my little rebellion. I like the feeling that I am doing something that is unapproved.

“Everyone knows you shouldn't eat sweets before bed.” “You will have bad dreams.” “Your body doesn't have time to digest.” “It's bad for your teeth.” “Marshmallows are made of the worst stuff.” “Marshmallows are devoid of nutrients.”

It's all true, I still choose my little vice and enjoy the backlash. 

So why am I writing this? What’s the point?

The point is that we all need moments to get out of what’s expected of us. We all need to give ourselves a bit of slack. We all make irrational choices. And we don’t have to beat ourselves up. 

When we begin to be compassionate with ourselves, we create spaciousness in how we accept those around us. We allow our partners the space to make an unwise business decision, to leave the milk out, to forget to flush the toilet, to overeat, or overspend. We allow a little more space for ourselves and others to behave out of the box. 

When I hold myself up to the highest, most critical standard, it is hard to choose a different standard for those around me.  And we are not all the same, most of us choose partners that are in stark contrast to ourselves. And often our children also diverge from us as they evolve. We make our own lives and theirs miserable when our expectations don’t allow for reality. And in the end, giving everyone the space to thrive for who they are and what they desire leaves all of us a lot happier.

So I see my husband looking at me (with my marshmallow mustache) disapprovingly and I chuckle. I know that my marshmallow brings me more joy than any outsider could imagine.

What would you like to indulge in? The door is opened, look inside.

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