Criticism
“Behind every criticism is a longing; behind every anger is a hurt." –Esther Perel
One of the secrets of changing dynamics in people’s interactions is that things change when you start to focus on talking about what you are doing and what you are changing and stop talking about the other. A very good friend of mine spoke to me about how profoundly her relationship and her happiness changed. And of course, I am curious. I asked what is this about? Can you pinpoint it? (As many people have a hard time explaining what is the seed of their change). She knew. She was clear. She told me directly: “I stopped expecting my partner to change. I stopped complaining about him and criticizing him. Instead, I started making changes in myself. My partner experienced this as spaciousness, he felt accepted. And I began to do the things I wanted. And my initiation changed the dynamic and he changed with me.”
It isn’t every couple that can move so effortlessly into change. (The effort for them was to stop complaining and criticizing). But every couple benefits from learning that criticism very rarely leads to getting what you actually want.
When we criticize our partners, we are most often expressing an unmet need or desire. It's usually our way of asking for something, but it will typically result in the opposite of what we really want: to be told that we are loved. Instead of shifting into instantaneous criticism, take a moment to shift from reaction to reflection.
Why am I angry? What do I want? Where is this coming from?
Make a request as a request, not as a protest. Ask for what you want in positive terms not veiled within criticism. When your requests take the form of protest the other person doesn’t hear you. They only hear your disapproval and unhappiness with them. As one client of mine says: “I can hear it if you just coat it with sugar first.” And most of us can hear a request when it is phrased as a positive need and there is an appreciation coating it. It is like the formula for critiquing that we learn as kids in school: use a positive feedback sandwich around the negative.
The goal is to learn some basic skills about self-regulation so that we can communicate in a different way. The goal is to create a new dynamic of communication that isn’t just attacking and defending. But by making requests instead of criticizing, we allow the other person to hear us and they then don’t feel like defending or running away.
Important Note: If you are deep into misunderstandings, criticizing, defending, expecting the worst of each other, etc… then it will take some effort to reconnect and establish some underlying care and appreciation for each other to feel the effects of the dynamic shift.
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
