The Power of Unfinished Business
Have you ever noticed that our memories are much stronger with unfinished business? I find as long as something feels like it is still incomplete or unresolved I remember perfectly how things have transpired. Once the event, conversation, or task is finished, the memories are stored out of reach of my working brain.
This concept was memorialized as the “Zeigarnik effect” The story goes that Bluma Zeigarnik’s mentor Kurt Lewin watched a waiter in a busy cafe in Vienna taking complicated orders for up to twelve people without a piece of paper or a mistake. In this particular incident, Lewin reasoned that the "intention to carry out a specific task builds a psychological tension, which is released when the intended task is completed.’
Zeigarnik created an experiment. Each time the waiters took an order, she tested their memory twice; before they delivered the order to the chef, and again immediately afterward. Before passing orders on to the chef, the waiters recollected the orders perfectly. After the orders were delivered, they promptly forgot them. She compared memory in relation to incomplete and complete tasks. She found that incomplete tasks are easier to remember than successful ones. We can't relinquish a memory until we've digested it, extracting all the meaning we can from it. Maybe it is this inclination to explore our experiences, getting every bit of learning from them that has helped us survive and evolve.
The same is true for couples… If a couple hasn't fully processed a negative encounter or incident between them, they can't let it go. But once they discuss it and grasp the mistakes they've made, the incident can finally be released. Their processing extracts key lessons and the experience can then nourish the relationship's growth.
My husband calls me repetitive, but I just can’t seem to let go of situations when I feel we have a basic misunderstanding at the heart of it. Or if I feel he hasn’t understood ME and my intentions it is even worse. I don’t ever want to feel an incident so imposing on the forefront of my mind, but the feeling of being unsettled and misunderstood trumps all. If the Zeigarnik Effect is true, then what I (and many of you) need to do is unravel the unfinished business.
For help with unfinished business and regretable incidents, I can help you understand your partner better with several key interventions (including Gottman’s “Aftermath of a Fight or Regretable Incident”). Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you work on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
__
Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
