The Myth of Happily Ever After
Growing up and thinking that “happily ever after” is actually a possibility without a ton of hard work is a cruel joke. Imagining our partners would read our minds, our children would just listen, and that we wouldn’t have to be intentional to keep love exciting amidst the demands of parenting, working, and logistics… sets us up for failure!
Does this mean that love isn’t enough? Love is a lot AND there are some tools that make happily ever after closer to possible.
STAY CURIOUS: Many people think they know how their partner will respond and what is needed of them. Staying curious means we make our partners the experts on themselves. We ask questions and stop assuming. This creates a perspective that opens the door to clearer communication.
ASK WHAT YOUR PARTNER NEEDS IN CONFLICT: We often don’t want to discuss conflict until it happens and then we are overwhelmed by our anger and unable to process information rationally. By communicating about conflict beforehand, we set ourselves up to understand one another. You dive into possible triggers and are more ready to anticipate your partners’ needs. (I also ask my children what they need to be comforted when sad, angry, scared, etc… This concept that we may hold the answers to unlock our own mysteries is huge. We can pass the keys to our loved ones and make the struggles easier to get through).
PRACTICE ACTIVE LISTENING and REFLECTION: Especially in stressful moments, try to really listen to each other. Check out the following PDF’s: “ACTIVE LISTENING”, “HOW TO BE A GREAT LISTENER”, and “HALLMARKS OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION”. When you recognize that we literally lose our rational thinking when highly agitated and in conflict, it is no wonder a healthy solution takes work to achieve.
HOLD HANDS DURING CONFLICT DISCUSSIONS: Conflicts are inevitable in our romantic relationships. When two people spend a lot of time together and their lives are intertwined, they are bound to run into bumps. Fighting with your partner can be stressful and upsetting, and it could harm your relationship if it leaves you frustrated and resentful. One reason that it can be hard to engage in constructive conflict is that when you're angry, hostility may make you want to hurt your partner, rather than find a cooperative solution to the problem. Conflicts are also stressful, and when we're under stress, we're often not on our best behavior. One way to help conflicts go more smoothly is to begin the conflict in a calmer mood and to approach it with a motivation to improve the relationship, rather than just to get what you want out of the conflict. Holding hands reminds us we are on the same team. See my blog on The Power of Holding Hands for the science behind this.
DON’T ASSUME YOUR THOUGHTS ARE FACTS: Things happen in life and our brains want to make sense of everything. We try to find meaning in other people’s behavior. We think there is a “why” that is personal. But so often our explanations have nothing to do with others. They are thoughts that pass through our brains and we accept them as facts. We take other people’s behavior personally. We attribute meaning to random situations. We judge our own worthiness. Take a moment when you have a repetitive thought and ask yourself if it is a negative automatic thought, a fact, or a feeling? Are you attributing meaning? Are you putting an old theme into a present situation? See this PDF for more help reframing and questioning negative automatic thoughts.
Happily ever after in itself is an expectation that sets us up for failure. It is time to re-write your expectations and start talking more vulnerably with your loved ones. Resetting your expectations and sharing your feelings will bring you much closer to the authentic and deeply satisfying relationship you desire…
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
