A Lesson from The Post Office
After nearly 2 years of our kids being out of real, physical everyday school, they are back. And an issue came up yesterday with Skyler: my middle child, my most sensitive soul, my most provocative pusher, my perfectionist, my boy who would rather rip a picture up than live with an unintended mark…
Skyler is the one who was most affected by virtual school. We literally had to hold him into place for half of the time with our bodies. He needed an adult by his side. So finally going back to school was like freedom for him. But it has also brought the usual issues of hating a teacher, getting hit by a fellow student, not getting called on in class, etc... (I remember my arm aching as a kid and just not getting called on to speak. I had that problem, I always called out, even with my arm raised).
These are the lessons of school that I want my kids to experience most… How do you deal with unfair treatment? How do you deal with a teacher not liking you? Being left out? Another child hitting you? These are the issues that force you to be resilient, force you to feel into your emotional intelligence, to build strategies, to overcome hurdles, to be dogged and determined…
Skyler came home upset because he said one of his teachers is mean: she refuses to call on him. So he left the class and paced back and forth from the classroom to the office. He says the teacher ignored him and he wanted to tell her that she is “bull SH” (his code for bullshit). In the evening, I was listening, but not carefully enough. Not carefully enough to supply him with any kind of advice, hope, perspective, etc… Maybe I was too tired or not really focused on how disturbed he was. We distracted him and focused on other things.
The issue came back again the next morning. Skyler didn’t want to go to school. “The teacher is so mean” and he was sure he would get into trouble today. I finally felt how troubled he was. All these months of being out of school, with a private tutor attending to him and his siblings… helping them with the virtual experience and he did not know how to be in a group. His teacher’s focus was not solely on him. He wouldn’t get the majority of the attention. And maybe she is strict? Maybe she doesn’t like him?
I realized this was exactly the lesson he needed to learn. First we started with the not very helpful tact we had initiated the night before: that we need to get along in the world, that not everyone will like you or you them… toughen up and live with it. Which is true, but didn’t help the situation one bit.
What helped was talking about his teacher as a human being with her own distinct story. I asked him if maybe he could imagine that his teacher’s dog had died that day and maybe she was sad and impatient because of that? He said “no, she is always mean.” I then reflected that maybe her mom is sick and she is anxious and distracted, and had him imagine what she would need. He still didn’t quite buy it, so I told him the classic story I learned about perspective twenty or so years ago:
In NYC and probably in most post offices around the world, you dread going, you expect to wait in a painfully long line to reach understaffed and pretty uninspired staff. So when I went to the post office one day to find a long line and only 1 person working, I assumed the worst. I waited on the line for 15 minutes, hearing the other customers grumble and when they finally reached the counter they spoke to the postal employee with such annoyance and unfriendliness that I had an epiphany. (Granted I was just back from 9 month in India and NYC was foreign and familiar all at once. I felt like every moment was a cultural study and had room for a new interpretation).
When It was my turn at the counter, I greeted the postal service employee with genuine friendliness and asked about her day. I saw the muscles in her face relax. I commented that it seemed they were understaffed and it must be a lot of pressure for her with such a long line. I saw a total change in this woman. I SAW HER. I ACKNOWLEDGED HER. I created a little space in which it wasn’t just about my story. I expected the best of her and she responded with her best.
Something did change with the teacher. I’m not sure if it was my story, Skyler’s attitude or his teacher’s… but I like to think that giving our kids the perspective to bring kindness, not take things too personally and be empathetic will help him in whatever comes his way.
Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?
My transformational approach is a process where awareness, alignment, and action work together as catalysts to create momentum for change.
*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.
*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.
*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.
Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.
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