Is My Relationship Worth Fighting For?
Couples often come into therapy in hard moments wondering if their relationship is worth saving. They wonder if their fights are normal; if they can change their partner, and how long it will take. The couples are frustrated and sad: lying in bed each night not knowing how to bridge the gap. They want to reconnect but are at a loss for how to do it. And then they get to a point where they ask themselves, (and me), whether they should stay in the relationship or leave.
I always tell them that you need to focus on yourself, emphasizing the other just won’t work!
I love this quote from Terry Real:
“Am I getting enough in this relationship to make grieving what I’m not getting worth my while?”
Is there more good than bad? How do I grieve what I’m not getting, without punishing my partner? How does that grief relate to my history? How do I find compassion for both of us?
Embrace what you are getting, feel the pain of what you’re not getting, and be with it. Then decide.
If your answer to this is yes, then grieve, and find a way to really accept what you are giving up. But don’t tell yourself that you are accepting a situation when you are actually feeling resentful. Resentment will nearly always sabotage your relationship from the inside out.
The big question is whether you are willing to step outside of all your old patterns and triggers and work on yourself rather than point the finger at the other.
Each member of the couple should answer these questions separately:
Why did you get into the relationship to begin with?
How does this person make you feel? How did they make you feel in the past?
What's changed to even make you question if the relationship is worth saving?
What are your deal breakers?
What aren't you doing enough of?
Can you express your needs/desires? (Have you tried?)
Can you mourn what you are not receiving because of the bounty you do receive?
Are you worth saving or fighting for?
Are you and your partner both making sincere and sustainable efforts to: hear and understand the other's needs and feelings, repair from disconnect and conflict, and do your best to meet each other's needs?
Then as a couple, you can talk together about these questions:
How did we get here?
Are you willing to work to save what we have?
What can we do differently?
Are we communicating enough? Effectively? Really hearing and understanding each other?
What are some things we can change?
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
__
Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
