Stages of Love…
Although our culture sends us a message that ‘happily ever after’ is the ultimate goal, the truth is that real intimacy is an art to be practiced daily. It doesn’t just happen. We often expect that love means effortless living with a partner. Love actually follows a cyclical and evolving process, much like everything else in life.
Relationships naturally progress through a continuous cycle of connection, disconnection, and repair, which is entirely normal. (I know you were sold something else. I was too).
When contemplating the stages of love, we mostly romanticize about “Love without Knowledge” or Limerence. This is the first stage of love: flushing, trembling, palpitations, excitement, intrusive thinking, obsession, fantasy, sexual excitement, and the fear of rejection. Sound familiar? We often idealize the exhilaration and physicality of this early stage. These are the stories we see on our screens.
The second stage is “Knowledge without Love” or Trust Building. This phase is defined by questions like: “Will you be there for me? Can I trust you? Can I count on you to have my back?” These questions form the foundation of conflicts in new relationships. The answers to these questions determine whether the attachment in the relationship is secure or insecure. Love in in this phase is marked by frustration, exasperation, disappointment, sadness, and fury. The majority of fighting in a relationship often happens in the first two years.
The final phase of love, “Knowing Love” or Building Commitment and Loyalty involves developing genuine commitment and loyalty. This stage entails knowing your partner and choosing to love them, imperfections and all. It requires recognizing that you are getting enough from the relationship to make it worthwhile while also grieving the loss of those things that you are not receiving. A couple either cherishes one another and nurtures gratitude for what they have with their partner, or nurtures resentment for what they perceive is missing.
This third phase determines whether a deeper love will last a lifetime or whether betrayal and resentment will slowly erode the relationship.
John Gottman’s research on love has identified choice moments when love can either deepen or deteriorate.
When disillusionment occurs within a relationship, it becomes vital to repair it. The continuous cycle of a healthy relationship goes from harmony to disillusionment to repair and back to harmony. If the repair does not occur, according to Terry Real, then the relationship remains in a state of “stable misery.”
So, how does repair happen? Terry Real refers to repair as “connection in the face of disconnection.” It involves cherishing your relationship and making it a top priority, even when you're feeling angry or hurt in the moment. Remembering the love. Expressing your future wants in a loving and respectful way, rather than listing complaints about whatever your partner has ever done wrong.
Think about what you do in your worst moments (such as withdrawing, retaliating, yelling or becoming defensive) and make an effort to respond differently.
A return to harmony means that both you and your partner become accountable for any behaviors that contribute to the unhappiness in the relationship.
Whatever issues are causing resentment in the relationship need to be repaired, and it takes a whole-hearted effort by both of you.
Stay tuned for my next blog post about "the mechanics of repairs."
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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