HOLD ME TIGHT: Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples
Hold Me Tight…
I am currently engrossed in reading “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson… it is the layperson’s way to work on their relationship at home. Sue lays out all the tools. You can clearly see how your relationship “dance” unfolds. It is the dance of conflict, the interaction that takes on its own life.
Sue directs the reader to notice the pattern in their relationship. She asks the couple to team up against the conflict instead of at each other…
Essentially:
Your relationship is an interaction between you and your partner. These interactions can be intentional or unintentional. When it feels like you and your partner are giving it your best effort and you still feel frustrated look towards the pattern between you.
Here are 5 tips for managing power impasses in your relationship:
1) Slow down:
Just slow down the conversation, your reactions, your facial expressions, take a moment and pause! Once we get flooded with anger it is impossible to access our reasonable side.
2) Be compassionate with yourself and each other:
Discussing your vulnerabilities and your survival skills with each other can be very helpful if it’s done in a non-judgmental, compassionate way. Your partner may even see something that you don’t see in yourself. Try to be open to the idea that we all have emotional blind spots.
3) Team up against the pattern:
Once you’re both in agreement that you can fall victim to this pattern, you can each work to see it coming. Team up against the pattern. If you catch yourself getting a vulnerability triggered, or feeling the urge to use a survival skill, stop and tell your partner you need a break. Slow down, get a glass of water, or just take a quick walk and then come back. If you’re both on board, this will be a pro-relationship act, not an abandonment.
4) Use the struggle as a chance for self-growth:
Examine the experience afterward too. Is there some theme that is coming into focus for you? Does the same experience push the same button for you? Use this information to understand yourself better. Your marriage is the best place to learn about how you work as a person.
5) Always repair:
Always repair if you’ve said something harsh. It helps to have a more adaptive pattern that you can rely on as a couple so that you know that if you make a mistake you can fix it. Say you’re sorry and mean it. Work to not repeat mistakes. Accept the apology and strive for forgiveness.
Work on yourself. Try to understand why you act the way you do. Whatever your vulnerabilities and survival skills are, work to understand the impact it's having on you and your partner. This is your best bet for breaking this pattern and taking care of one another in your relationship.
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
