How do I Learn to Stop Complaining?

Photo by: Eric Mencher

The Perverse Pleasure:

We all do it sometimes! There is something so satisfying in a nasty sort of way, of dumping a pile of shit on someone who annoys us or just hasn’t met expectations.  That perverse pleasure does not speak to whether it is in fact healthy or positive for our relationships. I am not saying there isn’t a time or a place to express our needs and our boundaries… I am more directing our focus toward those moments in which we get swept away in the dumping. Whether you are like me and one complaint leads to the next, until I have a full-fledged volcanic eruption of complaints...

Why do we enjoy complaining, when we all know complaining (in the raw unfocused form) does not improve things? There are some stress-relieving benefits to complaining, though they diminish when complaining slips into a more serious mode of anger and rumination. Voicing frustrations in small doses, however, does have its place as a stress reliever. We often complain as a means to create a connection. We hope expressing our feelings and needs will lead others to acknowledge, see and validate us. Complaining is also a habit, it just feels normal. Charles Duhigg, author of ‘The Power of Habit’ examines the Habit Loop which all of our brains are wired to follow:

Complaining can be a cultural pastime too (I married a German). And I’m a Jew… both very critical cultures in different ways.

Is Complaining Healthy or Unhealthy?

What’s the goal of your complaining? To be heard and validated? Or is it anger-driven, to blame others? Complaining can be great to gain another perspective and to push you toward your goal. To make it useful, let the listener know what you need from them. Just listening and validating can be it. It is even better when it’s solutions-focused, moves you, and creates energy to make a change.

Kelly McGonical explains that when we share what’s bothering us, we’re making stress easier to process. Does complaining solve our problems completely? No, but it can make them more manageable. Sharing our troubles can make us feel calmer and more content. Those who remain silent about what ails them may appear happier on the outside, but that repressed worry takes a toll.  McGonical’s research suggests that social connection is both a natural instinct and a source of resilience in times of stress.

It depends on the situation, experts say. For example, Robert Biswas-Diener, author of The Courage Quotient, writes about the “instrumental complaint,” when you complain with the goal of solving a problem. An example: When you complain that you’re overweight, but use that as motivation to form a plan to create healthier eating or fitness habits. Diener notes that these types of constructive complaints make up only about one-quarter of all the venting we do. That means 75% of our venting is negative!

So when is complaining unhealthy? “More than brief complaining, (either to yourself or to others), may serve to create more distress,” says Dr. Harry Green, a clinical psychologist. “Focusing on negative experiences or thoughts makes us feel bad. This can pull us into a cycle where the distress caused by complaining impairs our ability to act and thus ensures more distress — and then more complaining.”

"And here’s the kicker: complaining damages other areas of your brain as well. Research from Stanford University has shown that complaining shrinks the hippocampus—an area of the brain that’s critical to problem-solving and intelligent thought,’ says Dr. Travis Bradberry.

How Do I Learn to Stop Complaining?

“Feelings take their orders from thoughts,” Green says. “Stay mired in complaints in your thoughts and you’re likely to feel resentful and unhappy.”



Vent when you believe it’ll inspire actual, positive change. “For someone to change their mindset from complaining from an insurmountable problem to something that can be achieved,” Granite says. “Someone’s troubles can become a vehicle for transformation. They’re opportunities if you choose.”


When you want to complain, consider whether expressing gratitude will be more beneficial for you — and don’t spend as much time with other chronic complainers. “There will always be things to complain about and things for which to be grateful,” Green says. “Spending time with people who express gratitude makes it easier to be grateful. The reverse is also true.”   

Is There Is a Right Way to Complain (with your partner)?

Effectively complaining isn’t that hard. These steps will help minimize the potential for conflict.  

Change Your Tone:

What you say is as important as how you say it. Remember, it’s not you versus them, it’s you and them versus the undesirable behavior — you’re on the same side.

Before you share how you feel, try taking a few deep breaths to ground yourself. Consider how you’d like to be spoken to. Imagine the person you’re speaking with as if they were a child, and address them with loving-kindness.

Timing:

Timing is everything. If your partner is running out the door on the way to work, that’s the wrong moment to lodge a complaint. The same goes if they have a deadline, a presentation, or a tough day ahead.  Try to pick a time when both of you feel relaxed. Carve out space to sit down and work through the issue. Then, set some parameters around it. For example, “Can we talk about something for 15 minutes?” and go from there.

Write It Down:

It may help you to stay on track if you write down what you want to say beforehand. Try jotting a few notes.  Reflect on your needs: you may think you’re complaining to your partner about not doing the laundry, but chances are it’s much deeper than that. Pull out a journal and do some digging. Ask yourself, “What is this really about?”

Express Your Feelings First:

Expressing the feeling first is critical because your feelings are not debatable. Feelings are your truth--the reality of how you experience the world. However, you must get to a relatively calm and collected state before beginning to talk about this.

Dr. John Gottman likes to call this a “softened start-up.” This involves naming your core emotion. Core emotion means what underlies the reactivity. For example, you are likely feeling hurt or sad beneath the anger and frustration. It can also be about how you think you are viewed by your partner. This might be something like you believe you are “unimportant” to them. The problem is rarely actually the problem. Spending a little time reflecting on what’s beneath the surface-level content of our nagging can reveal deeper needs.  “Sharing from that emotional space, rather than reactionary anger, sets us up to be better seen and heard and known. In short, it’s a much more successful path to intimacy.”

Starting the complaint this way reduces the chances of a fight starting. The complaint will also come across less as a criticism. You are making it about you, not just blaming.

Be Specific:

Once you state how you feel, you can begin to describe the specific behavior or situation that is bothering you. Describing the exact behavior also keeps the focus where it should be. Instead of attacking the character of your partner, you are expressing dislike for a particular way they act or thing they do. Examples of specifics are things like showing up late, not keeping a promise, or leaving dirty dishes on the table.  

You should focus the most on what is really changeable. All relationships have some unsolvable problems. Usually, this involves personality traits. Don’t ask someone to change something impossible. Learn to accept those things!

Say What You Need:

Ask for a particular behavior that your partner can do! The key is to make it something positive and doable. You should be able to envision your partner physically doing the behavior you’re asking for. Examples of needs are showing up on time, following through on what you promise, and washing dirty dishes.  

Putting It All Together:

Let’s say your complaint is about spending time together.  You might say something like this:

I feel neglected [feeling] when you don’t make an effort to plan date nights [behavior]. I would like for you to plan something once a month for us [need]. Complaining effectively provides a better chance for you to be heard and responded to. It minimizes the likelihood that others will feel the need to defend, shut down, or counter-attack back to you. It increases the chance of reaching a resolution together.  

Adjust Your Expectations:

Complaining comes from a gap between your expectations and the reality of the situation. The simplest way to release the need to complain is to reign in your expectations of another person.

For example, if you married someone knowing they are an early morning riser, you can’t expect them to not wake up at 5 am, even on Sundays.  There’s only one person who can change in this scenario: you.  Try to practice radical acceptance of the person who’s upsetting you. Focus on the things you love about them. Decide how you can show up differently in that connection.

Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.

__

Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!