13 Behaviors for a Lively and Thriving Sex Life
Most relationships go through tough times when one or both partners feel disconnected. I know; I feel the ebb and flow of connection with my husband, it can be effected by overall stress levels, how busy we are, the amount of of conscious thoughtful alone time…. Disconnection happens in all relationships.
Feeling disconnected and then losing a sense of attraction happens often- the key is not to avoid it, but rather to know how to turn it back on. It’s not that happy couples don’t fight or feel disconnected, it is that they know how to turn towards each other and feel safe enough together to risk reaching and re-engaging with each other.
And our level of connection is directly related to our sex life. When we are connected, we want each other. We feel desire and longing rise up. When we are not finding the time together, the impulse towards physicality and sex is elusive.
Pull your partner in! What do you do to help pull your partner towards you? How do you help make them feel safe and connected? Openness and receptiveness are part of the base of building secure bonds and can help put your partner at ease. Risk being vulnerable by sharing how you feel with transparency and responsibility.
For example, instead of saying “why don’t you talk to me more?” (which turns off their attraction neurons because it is threatening) try “you know, I was realizing today that I have this longing for us to talk the way we used to. I have this longing just to feel you close to me and to know that I have your attention. It is scary for me when I feel this distance between us.”
Allowing yourself to admit your feelings vulnerably (using I-statements) will draw your partner in as they will be curious and compassionate, rather than defensive. You can even allow yourself to share with them that you are feeling confused and don’t know what to do about the fact that you feel less attracted to them. Sharing in this way can allow the two of you to heal each other and learn from each other so that you can reconnect.
Research shows that when desire is missing it is due to one partner not being responsive to the other. It is not, as many assume, caused by a deficiency in your partner but rather in yourself. John Gottman says it is much like: “if you are bored it is because you are boring”. So much of what we experience in relationships is a reality of our own making. If we feel unresponsive it is most likely because we are not putting in the interest, curiosity, and attention. By taking responsibility for our own responsiveness (rather than waiting on the other) we feel empowered and are agents of change.
Start by unpacking low desire and understanding where it is coming from. A decrease in attraction to your partner is a symptom, rather than a cause. What is at the core? What might be causing this reaction? Often it has to do with responsiveness which rests upon trust, commitment, and physiological calm (according to John Gottman).
Responsiveness is the key to rekindling passion and connection in a relationship. Responsiveness can be unpacked as a trio of key relationship dimensions:
Building Trust: Trust is built through attunement and transparency. There should be no hidden agendas or secrets. You must take care to see each other and truly listen. Tune in and receive each other and each other’s words with openness. Listen reflectively, with compassion versus defensiveness.
Building Commitment: The key to building commitment is to make positive comparisons to real or imagined alternatives. You can build commitment by cherishing your partner and what you have and by nurturing gratitude for what you have together. Come back often to gratitude and appreciation for what is.
Building Physiological Calm: Building physiological calm is a crucial element that makes relationships solid, satisfying, and sustainable. Find mutual ways of relating to each other that are soothing and non-arousing. Through collaboration and togetherness, you can create an experience of co-regulation in which you can feel calm, playful, and open. This means bringing your nervous system down to baseline. Not feeling stressed. Feeling easy and in-the-moment.
This trio of attunement, commitment, and calm must be constantly tended to. Be sure you are noticing and responding to your partner’s needs and emotions. This tuning in will in fact increase your attraction and your sense of closeness. By actively cherishing your partner you actively build passion! Attraction fades when there is not enough attention and attuning being lavished upon the relationship. Do not let your relationship get sluggish… find ways, DAILY, to fill up each other by sharing time and attention. Do things together! Be together! Put in the effort!
According to John Gottman, research shows that couples who have vibrant and thriving sex lives continuously incorporate the following 13 behaviors/actions:
Say I love you every day and mean it
Kiss one another passionately for no reason at all (6 seconds at least)
Give each other surprise romantic gifts and give compliments on a regular basis
They know what turns their partner on and off erotically and have a love map
Physically affectionate even in public
Keep playing and having fun together
Cuddle often (gateway to great sex!)
Make sex a priority
Stay good friends
Talk comfortably about their sex life
Have weekly romantic dates
Take romantic vacations
They turn towards their partner’s bids for connection
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
