Valentine’s Disappointments
I was always a girl with high expectations, big ideas, huge fantasies… things go big in my head. I never imagined the minor gestures, just subtleties… So as a girl, I bought into the Valentine’s Day celebration as a must for showing love. I imagined the big wooing gestures of that secret admirer when there was no one I was currently into. I didn’t think about the fact that Hallmark created Valentine's Day and holidays in the US were often manufactured for sales potential. I wanted romance. For New Year's Eve unattached, I imagined that mystery man showing up and locking eyes with me at midnight, for Christmas there was mistletoe, and for Valentine’s Day… forget it! I imagined secret admirers, bundles of flowers, mixtapes full of our songs, love letters, and from a boyfriend I imagined big surprises, huge gestures, and being wooed like a princess.
Fast forward 20 years… I married a man with convictions… and those convictions tend to go right up against Valentine’s Day or any other Hallmark money-making holiday. He doesn’t want to be ruled by a calendar or because society at large is doing it. A rebel at heart. A man that does not believe in a holiday grounded in buying stuff or gestures that involve killing flowers. Yes, killing flowers! Imagine my surprise when I mentioned that I like receiving flowers, hearing that it goes against his ideological, conservationist perspective. Eventually, over the last 18 years, he has broken some rules. But there is an essential stance that means I don’t get my big princess fantasy. And I (in some way) hate that I even want the whole princess treatment…
I live with the contradiction of wanting something and judging myself for that want, which makes it even harder to state the need. I often wish to envision myself so liberated that Valentine’s Day wouldn’t phase me, but every year, despite my rationalizations, I long for some kind of cheesy celebration of love. I can intellectually know that valentine’s day chocolates don’t equal love and devotion and try to reason with myself but somehow I long for them…
So this year I’m trying not to judge myself for what I long for and allow myself to feel the contradiction. I am a feminist that wants to be treated like a princess. I want things that I may not receive and I allow myself the longing. I try not to judge myself for superficial wants or big gestures. I am trying to accept that I may be a little bit of both… the unconventional life seeker and the cheesy Valentine’s Day card wanter. What may seem opposite may just be me.
The other piece in this contradiction that I want to allow myself to sit with is being okay with my partner not feeling moved to gift give on the prescribed days. And that has to be okay. I respect him for his values and it is not the exchange of gifts that creates or reflects our romance or love. I have to find a way to accept this for the fact and reality it is.
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