5 Steps to Break Negative Relationship Patterns

My work with couples feels particularly meaningful these days. These couples that want desperately to be together but just can’t quite get past their barriers in communication and longing. I say longing because it feels to me that they are longing for the other to see them, appreciate them, show they will love them the most and to the maximum. Maybe they are triggered by some injury from their personal history or the shared couple’s history, but the couple keeps on getting stuck in the disconnect.

I love helping them move from the disconnect to vulnerability and then it is like an epiphany where they can be seen. It is like going from a black and white movie to color. From basic network TV to cable, watching TV with commercials to Netflix, from a dull to a sharp knife, etc…

Moving from communicating with feelings based on your own vulnerable state, cuts through so much of what our partners read as criticism… into connection.

As I study both EFT and the Gottman Method, I’m blown away by the tools I have in front of me to ease the couples closer together. I sometimes even need to put all of the theory and research aside and lean into my instinct:  what do they need, what are they looking for from each other, how can we get them to see and expect kindness from each other. 

These steps are based on the EFT method that comes from Sue Johnson and her work watching the relationship “tango.” This method really addresses couples’ deep desire to feel attached, close, and seen by one another. “Couples were caught in dreadful dances of negative interactions, and even though they could tell you what was happening on a cognitive level, they would still get swept up in unfolding, spiraling dramas with one person making demands and one person withdrawing,” Johnson explains. When couples have trouble in a relationship, they are struggling with a basic attachment issue, according to Johnson. They want answers to questions such as, “Are you there for me?” “Can I count on you?” and “If I call, will you come?”

Here is one of the processes I take my couples through to break negative relationship patterns:

STEP 1: BECOME AWARE OF WHAT TRIGGERS YOUR NEGATIVE RELATIONSHIP PATTERN

First, you need to become aware of what external circumstances and internal experiences trigger the start-up of your unhealthy pattern so that you can catch it early on and stop it from escalating into a fight. This takes diving deep and recognizing the old wounds you bring into the relationship.

STEP 2: DISCOVER HOW YOU ENCOURAGE AND INVITE YOUR PARTNER INTO CONFLICT

A common reason why we end up in unhealthy relationship patterns is that we cannot see that we actually invite and encourage the pattern by the things we say and do to our partners.

When each of you sees how you perpetuate your pattern, you have the opportunity to make new choices about what you say and do in the heat of the moment and steer the conversation into new and safer directions.

STEP 3: UNCOVER EACH OTHER’S POSITIVE INTENTION

Your partner’s intention in conflict is almost never to intentionally hurt you, but rather a reaction to their own fear or pain. In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to remember that (negative sentiment override).  When the two of you are feeling connected, sit together and share what you’re thinking and feeling when you get triggered. See if you can discover the positive outcome that you are both trying to achieve (unsuccessfully) by entering into the pattern.

STEP 4: NAME THE UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP PATTERN

A switch seems to flick on in the brain when you name something. It becomes yours to own. When you name your patterns, we own them and can recognize them more easily. It also gives you a keyword to remind each other that you are getting sucked in.

STEP 5: STAND SIDE BY SIDE AND FIGHT THE PATTERN, NOT EACH OTHER

Having now identified, understood, interrupted, and named your negative relationship pattern, the final step is to stand together and unite as a team fighting the pattern instead of each other. 

Are you one of these couples: desperate to feel connected, to not have to walk on eggshells anticipating the next fight, or saddened by silence? There is hope. It is one small step at a time. You can do it. Often it is the help of a trusted guide that can help you see each other and the genuine care that underlies the conflict.

Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.

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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!