Negative Automatic Thoughts
If you know me, you know that I am NOT one of those super-controlled people. I am NOT perfect around the edges. I do NOT weigh every thought before speaking, I often have the thought as it slips out of my mouth. I am full of outbursts and imperfections. I am emotional, I am high and low. I love, LOVE AND LOVE… and also HATE (even though my husband tells me that my hating is a bit too extreme). But I am extreme. So, I am not advocating becoming tidy and controlled. I am advocating taking more control of your thoughts.
What I believe is that we human beings have two major problems that get in the way of our happiness: 1) that we push our feelings down in an effort not to feel, which causes way more negativity and disconnection than the actual feeling of our feelings would and 2) that we allow untrue thoughts to roam around our heads as facts which leads us to feel a huge amount of unhappiness (anxiety about the future, depression/regret about the past, comparing ourselves to others and a perfect version of ourselves)...
Here is the concept: I think a thought: (I should have gotten more work done today. I need to earn more money. I will fail my exam tomorrow. My boyfriend doesn’t care about me. I do more work in the household than my husband. My husband forgot our anniversary and clearly doesn’t care about me) and I assume the thought is TRUTH. I do not second guess this thought. I then Feel something as a result of this thought. I attribute the feeling to some event that has just occurred. I don’t make the connection that my thought has elicited an emotional reaction.
The moment you begin to notice the connection and causation between your thoughts and your feelings, you become very powerful. Things are not just happening to you. You are not being acted upon. You realize you have been thinking yourself into feeling things. You become an active and powerful player in your life.
We know that we can not change how we feel easily… but changing a thought is actually not that difficult, especially when the thought is just an idea being mistaken as a fact. This is powerful. We can battle with false thoughts and exaggerations. We can choose to not allow ourselves to own false truths. The key to keeping these thoughts from evoking so much suffering is to be diligent, determined, and consistent around these Negative Automatic Thoughts.
So what does this actually mean? How can I work on my negative automatic thoughts?
If much of our suffering begins with a thought, then we have the power to control our suffering with determination and consistency. What we need to do (which isn’t exactly easy) is not allow the negative thoughts to stand as facts in our heads. Basically, something happens, we have a thought/reaction to the event and that triggers a feeling. With diligence, we can intervene and not allow the thought to control our mood. We get a chance to reframe the thought. We can control our inner reactions by just considering the thought. We can use our mental ability to create a different narrative. We re-tell the story.
The first step to solving a problem is understanding the thought behind the adverse experience. While we cannot always control what happens in our lives, we can remain in control of our perception of the event. Thus, focusing on the thought behind a negative experience puts us back in control of our experiences. This is easier said than done, though. Many of us are ruled by our automatic thoughts, which are brief and pop into our minds without warning. These thoughts result in what seems to be an automatic reaction, similar to a reflex, which causes us to believe we can't control our actions. Once you have recognized the thought, it is important to determine whether the thought is true and/or healthy.
The next step is challenging the thought. Let's say you are struggling with the thought "I am not smart," which is causing you to not pursue your dreams. Let’s say that there is no supporting evidence that suggests you are, or are not smart. How do you determine whether or not this thought is true? Constantly thinking to yourself, “I am not smart,” is not helpful, yet there is likely a way to restructure the thought in a way that is healthier.
The last part, and most crucial concept is to reframe the negative thought to something that is more helpful or positive. For instance, it is not helpful to think, “I am not smart.” This thought is going to make you feel sad about yourself, and you can develop anxiety around performance or even depression. Instead, you could change the thought to, “because I am human, I cannot be great at everything, but my weaknesses don't have to define me.” Reframing an unhelpful thought requires creativity, and at times an objective professional, but it can be the key to changing many of the negative areas in our lives.
1. Check the thought- is it a negative thought?
"I haven't been asked to hang out in weeks. No one loves me"
2. Challenge the thought- are you looking at all the evidence? Is this a helpful thought?
"My family calls me every Friday to check in on me. I also went to dinners with my friend last month."
3. Change the thought- make it a more helpful or positive. When you think of the negative thought, use this thought instead.
"People do love me, but I cannot expect them to always be the ones to reach out. I need to put effort into the relationships too."
Humans have a unique capability to assign meaning to everything that happens. We look at facts and tell ourselves a story. And the story becomes our version of reality. Find a positive interpretation of a negative experience… you get to direct the story and choose if you allow old stories to control you.
Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for an emotion coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?
My transformational approach is a process where awareness, alignment, and action work together as catalysts to create momentum for change.
*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.
*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.
*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.
Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
