Interrupting The Negative Cycle of Couple’s Conflict

Ever wonder why a conflict with your partner either explodes or ends in desperate silence… The reality is that we are often stuck in a cycle of each partner being triggered and responding to the trigger rather than the soft feeling below the surface.

When we’re triggered, we become insensitive and are unable to see someone else’s perspective – literally. Here’s why:

When our brain perceives danger, it triggers the Amygdala and We respond with fight, flight or freeze.

To help us escape or survive the fight, blood is redirected into our limbs so that we can run from the danger or fight for our lives. With all that blood flowing to our limbs, our brain is starved of oxygen. Without much oxygen up in the brain, we are lacking the subtleties of emotional intelligence… which is why we say things that we later regret when we’re triggered.

Try to avoid communication when you’re triggered. Instead, take a break, go for a walk or journal your thoughts, and come back to the conversation when you have a brain again.

What you are fighting about is usually not the real issue. If you probe deeper, you might uncover that your partner is afraid that if you are not trustworthy with something as small as taking out the trash, how can you be trusted with the bigger things in life like fidelity, raising children, responsibly handling the finances… and they may not even be aware that this is what is going on for them. If you try to solve the trash problem, you won’t get anywhere!

Instead, ask your partner about their softer feelings beneath the surface and then soothe those feelings.

When we perceive that our partner has moved out of safe emotional proximity (i.e. when we perceive our emotional bond is threatened in any way) we protest the disconnection in one of two ways…

We make a noise or we go quiet.

Without this awareness, when our partner gets upset and makes a noise (perhaps by yelling or becoming demanding) it’s easy to perceive that they are attacking us when they are not (they are asking to be told that they are safe, important and loved).

On the other hand, when our partner goes quiet, it’s easy to perceive that they are punishing us when they aren’t.

They’re alerting you that they feel a threat to the emotional connection between you (protesting) – just like the toddler that lost his parents in the supermarket.

So if you react to their protest as you would to being attacked (defending yourself like your life is at stake), you’ll only escalate the conflict and hurt your already scared spouse.

They almost certainly won’t be consciously aware that they are protesting feeling disconnected.

So remember… when your partner gets upset, they are protesting a lack of emotional connection.  Soothe them as you would a baby crying – not in a condescending way, but in a tender, loving way… something like:  “My Love, you seem really upset… I love you and I’m here to listen… Tell me what’s in your heart… Whatever it is, I love and accept you…” Or as John Gottman said: “ When you hurt, the world stops for me!”

Can you see how different that will go from: “Stop nagging me. I told you I’m going to take the trash out. What’s so important about taking the trash out anyway?”

Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.

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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!