Your Blueprint for Setting Boundaries and Working with Fear

“There are more things … likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” -Seneca

Can you remember a time when you started to feel uncomfortable or had a weird feeling in a particular situation with a friend, lover, or colleague?  Maybe your boundaries were crossed, maybe you got that feeling in your gut that something was off? 

Were you stuck wondering if you should change the situation or just let it go? Were you feeling afraid of disappointing others by stating your needs? Or did you wonder if your need is too much?

Often when we feel something isn’t okay and we need to state our needs, a fear of disappointing others comes up. This fear of how our needs will be responded to can stop us from taking action to keep our boundaries safe. 

I have created a blueprint or roadmap of ways for you to work with the fear of disappointing others, evaluating whether your boundaries have been infringed upon, and help deciding upon the best course of action. 

1. Something feels uncomfortable: you feel put off or rubbed the wrong way in a friendship/love/work situation

2. Sit and reflect: what are you uncomfortable about?

3. Fear comes up at the idea of setting a boundary. The thought comes up that “if I express myself I will be losing what we have; or that this may cause an argument or tension, or this may cause me to lose my job.”

4. Start working with the negative automatic thought. You may use the Thought Record. Go through the what if’s… What is the worst that can happen?  What is my fear grounded in? Is my fear related to an actual danger? Is it related to an old pattern?

5. Considering your fear, what is the right action to take? What is the fear related to? Is it related to your actions? Your identity? An idea about other people? Write about the feeling.  This will be a process of trial and error to figure out how to get deep with your underlying fear. 

6. Take action: is it a phone call, a meeting, a message? 

7. Recognize the effects of the action taken. Are you feeling empowered? Disappointed? Fearful? Relieved?

Write down the steps that helped you most and see if you want to add to them. 

See if drawing a diagram, writing a pros/cons list, or seeing how the situation relates to your core values can help you in creating your personal roadmap. 

Another very helpful exercise for working with your fear is Tim Ferriss’s “Fear Setting Exercise.” I call it the worst-case scenario trick. Tim calls it “The Most Valuable Exercise I Do Every Month.”

“If you are nervous about making the jump or simply putting it off out of fear of the unknown, here is your antidote. Write down your answers, and keep in mind that thinking a lot will not prove as fruitful or as prolific as simply brain vomiting on the page. Write and do not edit—aim for volume. Spend a few minutes on each answer.

1. Define your nightmare, the absolute worst that could happen if you did what you are considering. What doubt, fears, and “what-ifs” pop up as you consider the big changes you can—or need—to make? Envision them in painstaking detail. Would it be the end of your life? What would be the permanent impact, if any, on a scale of 1–10? Are these things really permanent? How likely do you think it is that they would actually happen?

2. What steps could you take to repair the damage or get things back on the upswing, even if temporarily? Chances are, it’s easier than you imagine. How could you get things back under control?

3. What are the outcomes or benefits, both temporary and permanent, of more probable scenarios? Now that you’ve defined the nightmare, what are the more probable or definite positive outcomes, whether internal (confidence, self-esteem, etc.) or external? What would the impact of these more likely outcomes be on a scale of 1–10? How likely is it that you could produce at least a moderately good outcome? Have less intelligent people done this before and pulled it off?

4. If you were fired from your job today, what would you do to get things under financial control? Imagine this scenario and run through questions 1–3 above. If you quit your job to test other options, how could you later get back on the same career track if you absolutely had to?

5. What are you putting off out of fear? Usually, what we most fear doing is what we most need to do. That phone call, that conversation, whatever the action might be—it is fear of unknown outcomes that prevents us from doing what we need to do. Define the worst case, accept it, and do it. I’ll repeat something you might consider tattooing on your forehead: What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do. As I have heard said, a person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have. Resolve to do one thing every day that you fear. I got into this habit by attempting to contact celebrities and famous business people for advice.

6. What is it costing you—financially, emotionally, and physically—to postpone action? Don’t only evaluate the potential downside of action. It is equally important to measure the atrocious cost of inaction. If you don’t pursue those things that excite you, where will you be in one year, five years, and ten years? How will you feel having allowed circumstance to impose itself upon you and having allowed ten more years of your finite life to pass doing what you know will not fulfill you? If you telescope out 10 years and know with 100% certainty that it is a path of disappointment and regret, and if we define risk as “the likelihood of an irreversible negative outcome,” inaction is the greatest risk of all.

7. What are you waiting for? If you cannot answer this without resorting to the previously rejected concept of good timing, the answer is simple: You’re afraid, just like the rest of the world. Measure the cost of inaction, realize the unlikelihood and repairability of most missteps, and develop the most important habit of those who excel and enjoy doing so: action.”

From: https://www.google.com/amp/s/tim.blog/2017/05/15/fear-setting/amp/

Use your discomfort as a clue to find your voice and state your needs.

Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?

 My transformational approach is a process where awareness, alignment, and action work together as catalysts to create momentum for change. 

*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.

*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.

*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.

Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.

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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!