What Teenagers Teach Us About Conflict
As a mother of three, I am constantly surprised that I am the adult. I guess I should be used to it. I did birth 3 children and nurture them for almost 13 years. I had at one point either been pregnant or breastfeeding for nearly 7 years in a row. My body was literally not my own. But all of those compromises, have not prepared me for having discussions with my persistent pre-teen. A pre-teenager is savvy, and if they are your very own child, they seem to know exactly which buttons to push. My son tends to say to me “why are you getting mad,” when I’m not mad, which makes me feel defensive and misunderstood... Kind of flustered and he is way more likely to get his way. Maybe it is a skill or an instinct that blossoming teenagers have, but instead of freaking out (which I have done numerous times), I am trying to use these as a practice in slowing down conflict and misunderstandings.
We can all choose to see the other as the enemy or as misinformed but well-intentioned. I try to be pragmatic, i.e. I know that my son is a teenager and wants to get his way, it is my job to set limits and to teach him how to de-escalate conflict. The work of de-escalating (controlling the ego part of myself who always feels “right”) really reminds me of the work I do with couples who are often lost in a cycle of triggers and reactions. They often can’t let go of some unnamed hurt long enough to imagine their partner’s perspective.
MY ADVICE is always the same: slow down the conflict. Stop assuming. Don’t expect the worst from the other, communicate about how you feel, communicate about a specific (not a general situation), and communicate a positive need. Find soft words, avoid criticism, and try to ask the way you would of a polite stranger.
Don’t forget to ask yourself these crucial questions: What is the longing behind the discussion? Are there hurt feelings? Is there another way to see the situation? Am I imagining the worst of the other? Is there an alternative assumption to be made? Can I communicate my feelings in a positive way? Am I discussing what the real issue is about? Am I confusing something else?
And about hurt feelings: Don’t let them linger… discuss them by sharing. Come from the heart. Be vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to say you are sorry or were wrong. Your raw and soft emotion will melt the other.
The choice is yours… there are always different paths to follow!
Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?
My transformational approach is a process where awareness, alignment, and action work together as catalysts to create momentum for change.
*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.
*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.
*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.
Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.
__
Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
