The Dating Experiment
Have you ever been in a slump of negative interactions with your partner? And you can’t seem to get out of the feeling of annoyance. And neither of you can get things right, even when you intend to change the dynamic.
I have an exercise for you…. But first, both must agree to give 100% and must see the value in putting forward an effort to create change. Change doesn’t happen without the right balance of intentionality, reflection, and actual exertion.
This idea unfolded during a session with a young couple I work with that really love each other, they communicate well (with moments of frustration like all of us), but the struggle of having small children, demanding careers, and an inner purpose that pushes them to do everything beyond excellence left them with very little to offer each other. They were each so driven in their individual careers that it was sometimes hard to see what was mutually beneficial. And they had some perpetual unresolved issues. They were stuck with a negative feeling and couldn’t get out of it.
I felt that what they needed was some radical kindness. Some well-intentioned warm gestures in the moments of everyday life. An omission of complaints, more time together, more censorship of negativity… The Dating Experiment. These were the instructions:
“The big experiment this week is to take the leap of faith backwards and start dating again. This means a little more courtesy, a little more of trying to impress, trying to woo each other, a little more censorship. It isn’t being fake, it is just trying to focus on the positive. What would it feel like to be with someone who always wants the best for you?
Try to put aside the resentments and be a total optimist… expecting the best of each other. Instead of “negative sentiment override” be in positive sentiment override.
This means you will make sweet overtures and gestures, you will get over exhaustion and have more sex (knowing that the positive hormones of sex make you feel closer. It is science).
You will prioritize your couplehood over the kids.
Look for practical strategies and the compromises/shortcuts to take the pressure of the kids’ needs down a notch. This means putting more energy into loving each other.
This is a 1-week experiment. Be driven in your love. Be driven in your care. Be driven in your desire to see the best in each other.
Think about what logistic changes you need to do to make this happen. Make space for big and small plans. Be a safe harbor for each other.”
Before they accepted the challenge, I had to convince them. The wife was concerned that she would be inauthentic, false and that she didn’t want to censor herself. There is a thin line between being false/burying your feelings and choosing not to vocalize every stressor. We often want our partners to commiserate with us, but when they can’t help us in real terms it can make them feel guilty or impotent. Especially if what you are complaining about could be felt as their “fault.”
Sometimes rather than seeing truth as the necessity to share everything, we can see the benefit in choosing not to complain. Sometimes we get sucked into our complaints and the pleasure of letting them out, but to what end? Complaints serve a purpose when they are framed around your feelings, a positive need and solving a specific problem. When complaints just feel like criticism, your partner is more likely to block you out than actually change anything. So before you start complaining, decide what is the purpose of your complaint? Does complaining help you feel better or just spread out the misery? Is the purpose to vent? Does thinking and focusing on what you are unhappy about only make things worse?
Often by cutting venting sessions, problems that are perceived to be big seem much smaller — flitting away easier and don’t take as much of an emotional toll. “More than brief complaining, either to yourself or to others, may serve to create more distress,” says Dr. Harry Green, a clinical psychologist and director of Assurance Behavioral HealthCare, a South Jersey-based behavioral health practice. “Focusing on negative experiences or thoughts makes us feel bad. This can pull us into a cycle where the distress caused by complaining impairs our ability to act and thus ensures more distress — and then more complaining.
Sometimes choosing to think positively and having an outside person that keeps you accountable does wonders. This couple came back in positive spirits, asking to extend their dating experiment. You too can choose to take on the dating experiment...
Photo by: Eric Mencher
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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