Validation
When we have a conflict with our closest people, we often fail to see that what the other really wants is understanding. Getting loud usually is of very little help. Getting critical doesn’t help either. What the person really needs is to feel understood and not fixed. We want to feel held and cared about, to feel that we aren’t alone…
Another huge piece of the underlying need is to feel validated. Feeling validated means the other person can understand how we view reality. There are three kinds of validation:
Everything makes sense and I agree: your reality is valid and I agree with it.
I don’t agree but I see why you felt that way: your reality makes sense to me.
Your experience doesn’t make sense to me, but knowing your background, history, culture, etc… I can see how you came to that conclusion or felt that way.
Validation is huge, it brings connection. There is an empathetic component of trying to see things from “my” perspective and being willing to stretch beyond “your” way. To validate your partner you need to try to understand their perspective.
Sometimes the start of understanding is just suspending judgment. This is so hard for us to do because our society favors critical thinkers, and evolution favors looking for threats to outwit our predators, but with our partners we need to slow down and begin to work in a more allied way.
How?
Start by really listening. Take out a piece of paper and take notes on what your partner is saying, it can help you stop yourself from bringing up your own agenda.
If you feel triggered, take a time-out to see what you are reacting to. Am I upset about this actual situation? Is there a deeper meaning? A connotation?
Speak slower and more quietly. Ask more open-ended questions.
Let your intention be understanding their perspective rather than persuasion.
Often the understanding is more important than the “solving.”
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
