Understanding Emotional Sensitivity: The Spicy Metaphor

Have you ever been in a conversation where someone seemed way more upset than you thought they should be? Or maybe you’ve been on the other side—feeling deeply hurt while the other person brushes it off with, “What’s the big deal?”

This disconnect happens when we assume others experience emotions the same way we do. But emotions aren’t purely logical; they’re more like taste—especially when it comes to spiciness.

Why Spiciness?

When I cook for my family, I sometimes add a little black pepper to the food. To me, it’s barely noticeable. But when my daughter takes a bite, she stops and says, “Oh, this is spicy.” From my perspective, it isn’t spicy at all. But for her, it is. And no matter how much I think it shouldn’t be, no matter how much I try to explain that it’s just a little pepper, it doesn’t change her experience—it’s spicy to her.

Even if she drinks water and the burning fades, it doesn’t undo the fact that she felt the spice. The water helps balance it out, but it doesn’t erase her initial reaction.

This is exactly how emotional sensitivity works. What feels like a mild comment to one person can be overwhelming to another. And just like with spice, saying, “It shouldn’t be that bad,” doesn’t make it any less intense. It actually has the opposite effect—it tells them their feelings are wrong.

How to Use the Spicy Metaphor in Relationships

When one person in a relationship is more emotionally sensitive than the other, misunderstandings are inevitable. One person may feel dismissed, while the other feels confused about why things keep escalating.

Here’s a simple tool to bridge the gap: use a “spiciness” code word.

If someone says or does something that feels overwhelming, instead of reacting defensively, they can say:

"That’s a little too spicy for me right now."

This creates a pause—a moment to acknowledge that something feels intense without jumping into conflict. The key is for the other person to respond with empathy, not dismissal. Instead of saying, “Oh, come on, that’s nothing,” they can say:

"Got it. What would help make this feel less spicy for you?"

By framing emotional experiences like spiciness, we shift the focus away from whether someone should feel a certain way and toward what they actually need in that moment.

Why This Matters

This approach isn’t just useful for couples—it’s a powerful tool for parenting, friendships, and even workplace dynamics. It encourages respect for individual experiences rather than measuring them against our own.

So the next time you’re about to dismiss someone’s feelings as “not a big deal,” remember: it might not be spicy for you, but that doesn’t mean it’s not spicy for them.

Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.

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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!