Carried Emotions: Releasing Reactivity
Emotions are master organizers—they guide our instincts, shape our thoughts, and move us to act. But they can also overstay their welcome, throwing us off balance. For many of us, the weight isn’t just from our own feelings. It’s also about emotions we carry for others—ones that quietly weave themselves into our reactions, patterns, and sense of self before we even realize it.
What Are Carried Emotions?
Carried emotions are exactly what they sound like: emotional energy belonging to someone else that we’ve absorbed and stored in our bodies. This often happens in childhood, when boundaries between self and others are soft and porous. Imagine a parent drowning in anger, shame, or fear—unable or unwilling to own it. A child, craving love or approval, steps into the emotional gap. They absorb the parent’s unclaimed feelings as if saying, “I’ll hold this for you if it means you’ll love me.”
The problem? Emotions don’t come with labels. That rage or guilt becomes indistinguishable from the child’s own feelings. Years later, as adults, these carried emotions might show up as explosive reactions to small irritations, an overwhelming sense of guilt, or a deep well of shame triggered by the slightest critique—all stemming from something picked up before they even understood what it was.
Both Pia Mellody and Melita Sperling offer profound insights into these dynamics. Pia Mellody, through her reparenting model, describes how childhood trauma and emotional enmeshment lead to carried emotions. When caregivers can’t manage their feelings, children carry the unintentional overflow of unprocessed anger, shame, or fear. This leaves a deep imprint, often triggered in adulthood as extreme reactions or overwhelming emotional states.
Melita Sperling describes how emotional energy moves through families, taking root in the wrong places when boundaries are unclear. These emotions pass from one person to the next, absorbed and projected across generations. Both Mellody and Sperling emphasize the importance of awareness and boundaries in reclaiming what is—and isn’t—ours.
The Cost of Carrying What’s Not Ours
Carried emotions distort reality. They amplify what should be manageable, turning a small spark of anger into a blaze or a passing sadness into a flood. They disconnect us from the truth of our own emotional experience.
Take anger. In its pure form, anger is a messenger—a force that says, “Something isn’t right. Fix it.” But carried anger? That’s different. Maybe it’s your mother’s buried resentment or your father’s unspoken rage. That kind of anger doesn’t guide; it overwhelms. It can erupt suddenly or go underground, leaving you either consumed by it or cut off from it altogether.
The Gifts We Lose When Emotions Aren’t Our Own
Emotions aren’t good or bad—they’re information. They each have a purpose, a gift. When they’re authentic, they guide us. But carried emotions block those gifts, twisting what could be nourishing into something distorted or lost.
Here’s what Pia Mellody teaches:
Anger offers energy, assertiveness, and strength.
Fear brings wisdom, protection, and preservation.
Pain nurtures healing, awareness, and growth.
Joy fuels gratitude, happiness, and abundance.
Shame connects us to humility, self-containment, and humanity.
Guilt anchors us in responsibility, integrity, and accountability.
Passion ignites excitement, creativity, and drive.
Love breathes connection, intimacy, and spirituality into our lives.
But carried emotions block these gifts. They weigh us down and pull us away from the truth of who we are.
Releasing the Weight
What you’ve carried for others can be released. Letting go of carried emotions is an act of reclamation. It’s saying, “This is not mine, and I refuse to hold it anymore.”
An Exercise to Release Carried Emotions
Step 1: Identify the Feeling and Its Source
Notice an emotion that feels overwhelming or out of proportion—an unexpected outburst of anger, a deep sadness, or a wave of shame. Ask yourself: “Is this mine? Or does this belong to someone else?” Trust your gut—your body often knows before your mind catches up.
Step 2: Visualize Giving It Back
Close your eyes. Imagine the emotion as a tangible object—maybe a heavy stone or a smoldering ember. Picture yourself holding it out and gently returning it to its rightful owner. Say (aloud or in your mind):
"I carried this for you because I thought I had to. But it was never mine. I return it to you with love, and I free myself."
Step 3: Engage Your Little Me
Picture your younger self—the child who first picked up this burden. Kneel beside them and say:
"You don’t have to carry this anymore. I see you. I’ll help you put it down."
Step 4: Use Breath to Release
Take a deep breath in. With each exhale, imagine the carried emotion loosening its grip. See it leaving your body, flowing away or dissolving into the air.
Step 5: Repeat as Needed
Letting go is a process. Be patient. You might need to revisit this practice as layers of carried emotions reveal themselves.
Journaling Prompts
What emotions feel too big or out of proportion in my life?
Whose emotions am I feeling when I sit with this?
How did I learn to carry emotions for others as a child?
What would it feel like to live without this emotional weight?
What boundaries can I create to protect myself moving forward?
Releasing carried emotions isn’t about blame—it’s about liberation. It’s about setting yourself free to feel your own feelings, claim your emotional gifts, and live authentically.
Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?
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*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.
*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.
*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.
Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.
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