Donald Trump, Fake News, and Validation
Have you ever felt like someone you love wouldn’t try to see things from your perspective? Making it impossible for them to grasp the significance of your experience? That their inability to acknowledge your perspective made you question whether they could ever really understand you?
I recently got stuck in a situation like this with my husband, and it led me on a quest to find a way to bridge the gap between us. As a therapist and relationship coach, I often use analogies and stories to help my clients gain clarity, so I decided to put this approach to the test in my own relationship. I was searching for understanding and validation.
It all started when my husband made plans without considering how they would impact me or talking to me about them beforehand. While I knew his actions were unintentional, they still left me in an uncomfortable position. When I approached him to discuss my feelings, his immediate defensiveness caught me off guard. All I wanted was for him to acknowledge the impact his actions had on me and work together to find a better way to handle similar situations in the future. He was resistant to any attempt to understand my perspective.
The Elephant and the Sofa:
To bridge this communication gap, I decided to try an analogy. I painted a picture of him inviting an elephant into our living room, which subsequently sat on our sofa and broke it. I made it clear that I knew he didn't intend for the sofa to be smashed, but I wanted him to acknowledge that his behavior had consequences. I hoped this visual representation would resonate with him and help him understand the importance of validation.
Unfortunately, my analogy didn't land. It seemed as though my message wasn't getting through, and our attempts at finding common ground were falling short.
Donald Trump & Fake News
Undeterred, I went more controversial. I drew a parallel between our struggle for understanding and the concept of "fake news," using the behavior of Donald Trump as an example. Much like dismissing the experiences of others by labeling them as fake news, denying our partners' experiences and shirking responsibility for our behavior can damage trust and respect in a relationship.
When we deny our partners' experiences and fail to acknowledge our role in their suffering, we are essentially gaslighting them.
Similarly, when politicians spread false information and deny the reality of their opponents, they are undermining democracy. Democracy is based on the principles of respect, trust, and honesty. When these principles are eroded, democracy becomes weaker, and people lose faith in their leaders.
Fake news and Donald Trump's behavior are powerful examples of the harm caused by denying reality and evading responsibility. In relationships, acknowledging our partners' experiences is crucial for building trust, respect, and understanding. When we deny our partners' experiences, we undermine the relationship in the same way that Trump undermines democracy.
I made it clear to my husband that seeking acknowledgment and validation was not about pointing fingers or assigning blame. It was about taking ownership for our actions and understanding their impact on one another. I expressed my longing for him to comprehend that his behavior had consequences for me and that acknowledging this would be an act of kindness and consideration. Getting into my shoes long enough to understand how something he did (even unintentionally) effected me and would bring me relief.
As my journey for understanding and validation continues, I've come to realize that my goal isn't to prove I'm right or to make a big deal out of nothing. All I truly want is to be acknowledged for how another person's behavior affects me and to be in a partnership where we both take responsibility for our collective well-being. I understand that it may feel frustrating for the partner who has trouble with apologizing and taking responsibility, but by stepping into each other's shoes, we can foster empathy, respect, and a deeper connection.
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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