Triggered in Love: Why Your Partner Is Perfectly Imperfect for You
In my own life and in the lives of my clients, I notice again and again that we are perfectly matched to press each other’s buttons and do the deep inner work we might otherwise avoid.
Here’s an example: Julie and Brian.
Julie grew up feeling second-rate. Her sister was the favorite—the one who needed more attention because of her problems. Julie learned early that her needs were secondary, and she often heard her mother say, “Can’t you see I’m dealing with something important? I don’t have time for you.” In response, Julie became an overachiever—quiet, diligent, obedient, and never causing trouble. She lived in fear of being a burden and yearned to be someone’s priority, constantly going above and beyond for others.
Brian’s childhood was different but left its own scars. He had a powerful mother and a passive father. His feelings were never affirmed, and he wasn’t taught how to express them. As the oldest of three boys, his role was to try harder, achieve more, and suppress his emotions. He struggled to feel seen or allowed to be himself. Anxiety about achievement and doing things “right” became his default.
When Julie asks Brian for more—more attention, more time, more presence—he feels criticized, as though he’ll never be enough. He withdraws and sometimes retaliates by withholding things he could easily give. This hurts Julie, reinforcing her belief that she isn’t a priority. In response, she demands reassurance, desperate to feel loved. But no matter what Brian does, it never feels like enough to Julie. She has blocked her ability to fully receive his love, expecting him to reject her. Meanwhile, Brian often misinterprets Julie’s behaviors as judgment, even when she’s not being critical. If Julie says nothing, Brian assumes she’s upset and starts defending himself in his own mind.
Their cycle is predictable: as Brian pulls away, Julie demands more. Her demands trigger further withdrawal, leaving them both lonely and frustrated.
This dynamic is common, but their specific struggles are rooted in personal histories. Their family experiences left wounds that their partner’s triggers uniquely expose—creating opportunities for growth, if they’re willing to do the work.
Some themes that tend to surface in relationships include:
Fear of others being unavailable or unresponsive.
Feelings of unworthiness, unlovability, or never being enough.
A sense of being unimportant or misunderstood.
Beliefs that one’s needs and wants are unacceptable.
Fear of asking for attention or admitting need.
In relationships, it’s inevitable to encounter both your own and your partner’s imperfections. I believe we are drawn to partners who challenge us to confront our own stories. Adult love often awakens the unresolved stories of childhood.
As humans, we carry our own set of biases, insecurities, and vulnerabilities that can make certain situations or behaviors feel intolerable. The challenge lies in learning how to acknowledge our imperfections, manage our triggers, and embrace nuance—instead of falling into the trap of black-and-white thinking.
How to Work Through Triggers:
Recognize Your Triggers
Self-awareness is the first step. Understand your vulnerabilities, past experiences, and beliefs that shape your reactions. Notice the behaviors, words, or situations that set you off. Pay attention to when your reaction feels disproportionate to the moment. Simply observing is a powerful first step.
Communicate Openly and Honestly
Once you’ve identified your triggers, share them with your partner in a soft, non-blaming way. Remember, your partner likely has no intention of triggering you. It’s your story interacting with theirs. Use "I" statements to express how you feel without assigning blame. Stay curious and kind; you’re speaking to someone you love.
Practice Empathy and Compassion
Your partner is just as imperfect as you are. Recognize that their actions stem from their own struggles and experiences. Approach situations with curiosity and compassion to develop a deeper understanding.
Embrace the Gray Areas
Rigid, black-and-white thinking can deepen conflict. Life is full of nuance, and rarely is there a single right or wrong perspective. Embracing complexity allows for a more balanced, flexible mindset.
Reflect and Grow
Owning your triggers creates space for self-reflection and personal growth. Explore the underlying causes of your reactions. Ask yourself: Are you responding to what’s happening now, or to a story from your past?
Seek Common Ground
When conflict arises, look for areas of agreement. Shared goals, values, or dreams can help bridge divides. Shifting the focus from differences to shared objectives eases tension and fosters collaboration.
Ultimately, the work lies in embracing imperfections and questioning our assumptions. Are you reacting to the present moment—or to an echo from your past? Are you falling into black-and-white thinking? By monitoring your thoughts and staying curious, you can transform your triggers into opportunities for connection and growth.
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
__
Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
