Repairs, Communication & Conflict Management
using humor to repair after conflict
What exactly are repairs? And why are they so important in resolving conflict?
Miscommunication is human and bound to happen. Every couple, in every relationship, is destined to face these miscommunications because it is virtually impossible to be emotionally available to your partner 100% of the time. In “The Science of Trust,” John Gottman reveals that partners in relationships are emotionally available only 9% of the time.
91% of the time is a lot of unavailability. That is a lot of miscommunication. That is a BIG potential for unpleasant disconnection.
Gottman calls repairs “The Secret Weapons of Emotionally Connected Couples.” Terry Real and Esther Perel also emphasize the importance of repairs. A repair is not so much about fixing what is broken as it is about getting the relationship back on track. Repairs are the ways in which people try to make things better. They act like a U-turn reversing away from conflict. It is not that all conflict needs to be avoided but highly emotionally triggered conflict is generally unproductive.
John Gottman describes a repair attempt as “any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.” The word “any” is key: as it underscores the importance of creativity in developing unique repair strategies tailored to one's relationship.
Mastery of repairs involves not only giving or using them but also being receptive to repairs and recognizing when your partner is trying to de-escalate a conflict and maintain a positive connection.
“The Repair Checklist” is a compilation of phrases designed for use when a conversation with our partner escalates and goes off-track into negative territory. The idea is to review the list together and choose the phrases that may help de-escalate the conversation before either of you becomes emotionally overwhelmed or triggered.
During heated arguments, logical thinking can be a challenge. Neurologically, it's nearly impossible to think logically when emotions are highly charged. When we get to this state, we lose all ability to think rationally and therefore become vulnerable to misunderstanding and hurting each other. To avoid conflict escalating to this point of illogical and emotional reactions, it’s crucial to develop a management plan with our partners.
Part of becoming more effective communicators and defusing conflicts is being prepared to use specific tools. This means collaborating with our partner when we are both in a calm state to create a plan for managing conflicts. Many couples find it helpful to create a blueprint for when they are triggered and upset.
Keep in mind that not all of these repair attempts may work for everyone, but some possible options include:
Using humor
Asking your partner what they need from you right now
Expressing how you feel during the argument (“I’m feeling really upset right now”)
Interrupting the argument or proposing a break
Offering an apology (“I’m sorry, I put that really badly”);
Seeking common ground (“I agree with you that this is important”),
Showing appreciation (“I know you’re only raising this because you care about us”)
Expressing hope and commitment to the relationship (“It’s really important to me that we find a way to work out what to do about this”).
Validating your partner’s feelings (“It sounds like you’re feeling hurt”)
Touching your partner gently
Taking responsibility for your behavior or role in the conflict
Assuring your partner of your love and that you never intended to hurt them
Explaining to your partner what triggered you and how you plan to handle it in the future.
We can attempt a repair at any point in an argument, even if things get heated — but it’s it's generally more effective to try to repair early in the conflict. Repairing is not an admission that our partner was “right” or that they have “won.” Conflict is a natural part of the ongoing cycle of rupture and repair. The couples that get it right learn from this cycle and use it to deepen their intimacy.
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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