Letting Go of Grudges and Resentment

Or, even better, never build resentment or grudges.

Resentment is a gift when it causes us to act, but it can quickly become a curse when it festers or if we hold onto it for too long (and it becomes a grudge).

There is a healthy defensive element: safety means being aware of when people try to take advantage of us, and it is important to protect ourselves… i.e., HEALTHY Boundaries and assertive communication. (And if you have healthy boundaries, there is less need for resentment and grudges)... that is an interesting balancer like a see-saw. 

Then there is the other side, in which we burn from the inside-out carrying our resentment and grudges. It hurts the carrier of those feelings more than anyone else. Usually a grudge or resentment arises from an isolated incident happening, and then it is created over the course of time, in which the angry person tells himself the story over and over again, how they have been wronged and hurt. It is a black and white story that is fed by a grievance story:

1. We interpret an event in an overly personal way

2. We blame the other person for how we feel.

3. We create a story in which we are the victim.

We ruminate about the pain we have been caused. We often interpret the actions as intentional. (What is the thought you keep on repeating in your head?)

We deny our part in the story. It becomes something wholly done to us. We become passive. Resentment is often born out of our inability to forgive our own part in the story. It is easier to be angry at the other person than at ourselves for the ways we may have inadvertently contributed to the situation. Our participation in our pain is hard to stomach. When we are angry at ourselves, we often blur that with our anger at the other.

Assertiveness is the antidote and interrupter of resentment. You can’t assume the other person’s behavior. You need to make requests and allow the other person to try to meet them or say no. Give the interaction a new direction. When you say what you need, feel comfortable expressing boundaries and opinions, you are less likely to be in a position in which you don’t feel heard. You ask for validation and don’t expect others to be mind-readers. You have a realistic view of what others are capable of, so can simply and respectfully communicate your needs and wants.

Notice your assumptions and get curious. Any time the same old thought comes up, get suspicious. The triggered thought is always black and white and zero subtle. We are subtle beings. We are complex. Your repetitive thoughts should sound an alarm bell in your head (that you are triggered). Time for a new move. Battle the assumption or the repetitive thought with curiosity. 

Change yourself from being a victim of your thoughts. 

Become a repetitive positive thinker (versus a repetitive negative thinker). By challenging the thought:

Ask yourself if it’s true. 

How do I feel when I have this thought?

How do I behave when I have this thought?

What’s the outcome of the thought?

How would I feel if I didn’t have the thought?

How would I act if I didn’t have the thought?

Would the outcome be different if I didn’t have the thought?

Turn the thought into the opposite. And see how you feel. And ask yourself, is that true?

Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?

 My transformational approach is a process where awareness, alignment, and action work together as catalysts to create momentum for change. 

*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.

*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.

*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.

Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.

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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!