Assertive Communication
When our culture speaks about happiness and peaceful relationships, we often imagine couples getting along effortlessly, as if living in a "happily ever after" fairy tale. However, we seldom consider the substantial effort required to communicate effectively and maintain a satisfying relationship.
Conflict, misunderstanding and moments of disconnect are part of everyday life, and we cannot avoid them if we desire deep connections. Relationships that avoid conflict often unwittingly prevent deeper connections from developing. When we are unable to discuss differing opinions, feeling misunderstood, or moments of disconnect, we can NOT feel close to the other person. Authentic closeness and depth necessitate the ability to repair conflicts. And repair usually involves words.
Much of our current communication is indirect, cloaked in complaints or “what should have happened.” Alternatively, some people are afraid to express their needs and feel uncomfortable making requests, which leads to feeling unmet and unseen.
Sometimes, the avoidance of conflict stems from not knowing how to resolve it or from a fear of discomfort or pain. Perhaps born out of “good manners' ' or fear, many of us have not learned to express our needs and wants palpably to our partners and close ones.
One of the keys to relational happiness is assertiveness.
Assertiveness is expressing our needs and desires clearly and respectfully. It is about stating what we need from others and why it is important, choosing the right time and place for each request, and being open to the possibility of rejection. Assertiveness is not about guilt-tripping, demanding, criticizing, issuing ultimatums, or making after-the-fact statements about what someone should have done or known. It is not aggression or a demonstration of superiority.
True assertiveness creates space for both parties to make choices and decide what they need. It requires tact and politeness. At its core, assertiveness is a vulnerable act, where one person communicates directly and honestly without manipulation or force, sharing their needs and being open to the other person’s opinion.
I once had a client become very angry during a couples therapy session when I asked her to tell her partner what she needed. She felt the unfairness of needing to muster the strength, despite her pain, to articulate her needs. She said, "That’s not fair. Why must I not only have the emotional intelligence to work through my feelings but also find the words to share with my partner what I need? Will I always have to tell him what I need? Shouldn’t he know?”
This hardship is common in our attempts to communicate and get our needs met. Assertiveness requires us to move beyond the moment and our discomfort to get clear about our bottom line: What do I want? What am I willing to accept? What do I believe is fair? It involves asking, expressing, and requesting these things from another person, which is both a vulnerable and powerful stance.
When we complain, we avoid the risk of rejection because we are not directly asking others to meet our needs. We are criticizing after the fact, not providing a clear path for concrete action. With assertiveness, the other person has a tangible choice about whether to fulfill our request.
Resentments naturally arise when we fail to assert ourselves, expecting others to intuitively understand our needs and wants. We expect them to understand how we think.
And let’s be honest, it is hard to understand and predict what another person wants, as we are all complex individuals shaped by unique experiences.
Assertiveness is crucial for relational happiness. It fosters direct, honest communication and allows for meaningful connections by encouraging mutual understanding and respect.
Assertive Communication Tips:
Communicate how you feel directly to the person involved in the situation. Often, we spend our time telling others how we feel about a situation but neglect to tell the person directly involved.
Use “I statements” to communicate your feelings effectively. “I statements” help you take accountability for your feelings while explaining the behavior you did not like. Example: I feel (insert feeling) when you (insert behavior). I feel threatened when you yell at me.
Ask for what you want. Others cannot read your mind. While you may be perceptive, this is rare in most people. Asking for what you want honors both yourself and others. The other person is responsible for answering based on their own needs and abilities and has the option to say no.
Say “no” without guilt. This takes practice if you have been in a pattern of passive-aggressive or indirect communication.
Learning to say no doesn’t mean you have to refuse everything. It means you get to choose what you do. When someone makes a request, ask yourself if it is something you can realistically do or if it will cause you major inconvenience or harm. When first learning this skill, it may be helpful to start with, “I don’t know. Let me get back to you.”
Common barriers to assertiveness include:
Fear of Rejection: The fear that expressing needs and desires will lead to rejection or conflict often prevents people from being assertive.
Lack of Confidence: Low self-esteem or self-doubt can make individuals feel unworthy of expressing their needs or hesitant to stand up for themselves.
Misunderstanding Assertiveness: Confusing assertiveness with aggression can lead to reluctance to be assertive, as individuals fear being perceived as pushy or rude.
Fear of Hurting Others: Concern about causing discomfort or offending others can inhibit assertive communication.
Lack of Communication Skills: Not knowing how to articulate needs and desires effectively can be a significant barrier to assertiveness.
Past Negative Experiences: Previous instances where assertiveness led to negative outcomes can create a reluctance to be assertive in the future.
Power Dynamics: In relationships or situations where there is a perceived power imbalance, individuals may feel it is inappropriate or unsafe to be assertive.
Emotional Dysregulation: Difficulty managing emotions can interfere with the ability to communicate assertively, often leading to passive or aggressive behavior instead.
Unclear Boundaries: A lack of understanding of personal boundaries can make it challenging to assert one's needs and desires clearly.
Conflict Avoidance: A strong desire to avoid conflict at all costs can prevent people from being assertive, as they may prioritize harmony over their own needs.
Social Conditioning/Cultural Norms: Growing up in environments where assertiveness was discouraged or punished can lead to habitual non-assertive behavior.
Assertive Communication Can Build Self-Esteem:
Assertive communication allows you to advocate for yourself and what you need, rather than assuming your needs won’t be met. This shifts the dynamic from a place of fear and helplessness to one of empowerment.
Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there, even when it’s uncomfortable, builds confidence. It shows that you are strong enough to express yourself authentically.
Responding calmly and firmly, rather than exploding, interrupts old reactive patterns. It demonstrates that your self-worth is bigger than any criticism.
Using personal motivation—whether it's to model behavior for someone you care about or for your own self-growth—can be a powerful driver. Practicing assertive, respectful communication reinforces your own growth and self-esteem.
Assertiveness is a form of "spiritual work"—the ability to pause, take a breath, and respond from a grounded place instead of lashing out defensively. This level of self-regulation is deeply empowering and transformative.
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
