Conflict and Your Nervous System
Understanding how the brain is impacted during conflict is vital to helping us to find our path to conflict resolution because our nervous system influences the thoughts we think, the way we feel about other people and the world. Learning how to balance our nervous system will change how we experience life.
Photo by: Eric Mencher
As human beings we carry evolutionarily outdated artifacts in our body. Think fight or flight… When we were out in the wild fighting for survival, our nervous system’s reaction to danger was an essential mechanism to protect us. Danger was real and physical; it needed an urgent reaction. Let’s face it… most of the time in modern life we don’t face real physical danger. That means we have a nervous system that is over-reacting most of the time. During conflict or “threat” we overreact in zero to sixty seconds. Anger builds up quickly while blood rushes to the brain.
We all know that our sympathetic nervous system can be triggered if we face a physical threat or danger. Someone shouts at us, we almost get into an accident, we are attacked physically and we go into fight, flight or freeze. This causes our brain to trigger our sympathetic nervous system, release adrenaline and send blood to the major muscle groups and away from the executive functioning part of the brain. We can run away from the threat.
Psychological threats can also trigger the fight or flight reaction. Someone says or does something to threaten our sense of self (perspective is reality and our perspective is not only dictated by what happens in the present moment but what we experienced in the past). We have almost no control over this because it is an automatic process, hard-wired into our nervous systems over millennia.
The problem with this response is that our brain is “hijacked,” deprives our prefrontal cortex of blood and leaves us with few resources to respond appropriately to what is happening. Since the prefrontal cortex is responsible for higher-order brain functions like awareness, concentration and decision-making, we are reduced to a basic level of functioning. This “hijacking” of the brain often leads to the feeling of brain fog… where we literally can not analyze or think straight.
Emotions sit at the surface and appear first, especially when a fight or flight conflict arises. The reaction in your brain resides in the amygdala, Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk (in The Body Keeps the Score), the brain’s “smoke detector.” The amygdala is responsible for detecting fear and preparing our body for an emergency response.
The active amygdala also immediately shuts down the neural pathway to our prefrontal cortex so we can become disoriented in a heated conversation. Complex decision-making disappears and access to multiple perspectives is limited. As our attention narrows, we find ourselves trapped in the one perspective that makes us feel the most safe: “I’m right and you’re wrong,” even though we ordinarily see more perspectives.
And if that wasn’t enough, our memory becomes untrustworthy. Have you ever been in a fight with your partner or friend, and you literally can’t remember a positive thing about them (Negative Sentiment Override)? It’s as though the brain drops the memory function altogether in an effort to survive the threat. When our memory is compromised like this, we can’t recall something from the past that might help us calm down. In fact, we can’t remember much of anything. Instead, we’re simply filled with the flashing red light of the amygdala indicating “Danger, react. Danger, protect. Danger, attack.”
When we are in conflict with our partners, we may not only be flooded by the feeling of being unsafe or “in danger,” we may also be caught in an old pattern or cycle that is easily triggered by whatever conflict arises. In our sessions we can help you understand the cycle you are trapped in and help each of you understand each other’s underlying dreams. We work to unravel the triggers and patterns of miscommunication while grounding you in your love and meaning. You will learn strategies to turn the volume down on the physiological reactions that trigger so much emotion.
Here are interesting links about mindfulness practices:
What Does Mindfulness Meditation Do to Your Brain? from the “Scientific American”
Calming Your Brain During Conflict from the “Harvard Business Review”
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” —Viktor E. Frankl
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
