Vulnerability, Intimacy Building and Deep Conversation
Have you ever noticed that when couples feel disconnected they often complain about the lack of depth, fun and intimacy in their relationship? The very aspects they desperately long for are also the elements necessary for them to feel secure enough to enjoy and engage in their connection. No one can maintain curiosity under threat. From an evolutionary perspective, it is nearly impossible to be curious about the tiger chasing you; one must prioritize protection and immediate reaction. Understanding the importance of security and how its absence leads to inflexible behaviors that threaten couples’ intimacy and deep communication is crucial.
The first sign of security is flexibility, curiosity & openness. This implies that our ability to choose when and how we open ourselves to others and experiences is based on our level of safety. If we’re curious and open, we are (generally) not operating on autopilot but capable of perceiving and responding to situations as they unfold, without solely relying on our past experiences as the primary lens.
Conversely, an initial sign of insecurity is rigidity and lack of vulnerability.
Distressed couples have expectations that are even loftier than typical couples experiencing periods of disconnect interspersed with brief moments of vulnerability and connection.
The issue lies in their skewed expectations.
The longer you live in starvation the better you think your food should taste. The longer you reside in a state of deprivation, the more elevated your expectations become. Distressed couples assume that things should be perfect. Rather than yearning for normalcy, they aspire to a storybook Disney-like scenario. But they don’t know how to get there.
Distressed couples struggle to incorporate protection into their relationship dynamics. They don’t know how to integrate the normal feeling of fear associated with vulnerability and exposure.
Every couple faces fear when it comes to sharing their vulnerabilities. However, distressed couples, (depending on the duration of their distress), often assume such feelings are inappropriate, judging normal emotions as unnatural.
In a diseased state, a relationship fails to engage its exploratory system, rendering it nearly incapable of being open and curious. Prolonged unhappiness exacts a toll akin to a form of death for the couple. Conversations lack depth, diminishing the sense of connection. Communication becomes superficial, shallow, unimportant, characterized by protection, negotiation, mediation, or logistical exchanges.
The muscles of deep conversation skills atrophy. A secure connection transcends familiarity; it entails communicating on a deeper level. Achieving this depth is possible by simultaneously feeling safe and vulnerable.
If you feel the depth of your communication lagging or notice your expectations of your relationship are consistently unmet, it is time to begin the journey toward looking a little deeper at what you can do to change it. Studies have consistently shown that the quality of our relationships dictates the quality of our lives.
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
