Strong Characters in Relationships…
Niels and I had a discussion this morning about relationship work. I shared with him my feeling that we (like other strong characters) will never be able to stop the active work on us. We will never settle into the easy, happily ever after Disney-esque ideal. (I doubt anyone who wants a deep connection can… but we especially need to do the work)!
As two strong characters with our very own viewpoints, each convinced that we are nearly always right, we need to work even harder at compromise, in conflict discussions, listening, and being sensitive when we are threatened.
Strong characters typically have a deep sense of independence and self-reliance, we are each used to doing things our way and struggle to compromise when we are “right.” We are each deeply passionate but sometimes about different values and hold different ideals…
I find that we need to work harder to communicate effectively, listen actively, and understand each other’s perspectives. I have to remind myself that being right is often not that important, as my sense of rightness is actually subjective. We each interpret a situation with our own set of core values, beliefs, even grumpiness as the lens. I can interpret a situation in vastly different ways depending upon my mood, my sleep, my physical wellbeing, not to mention, how much intimacy Niels and I have had together in the previous day. Our notion of correctness is often just a subjective interpretation… of which there are many.
We must:
Remember in times of conflict, disagreement, and stress that we love each other and both have good intentions.
Be curious: there may be factors we have not considered influencing their behavior.
Focus on ourselves: start with our own behavior. Don’t make harmony about your partner changing.
Be intentional.
Strong characters may also struggle with vulnerability and emotional openness, which is crucial for building intimacy and trust in relationships. If vulnerability is an issue, then the focus must be on developing a deeper level of emotional connection and a willingness to share thoughts, feelings, and fears.
Being married to another strong character can be difficult. Even explosive at times, and we need to put in extra effort to cultivate our relationship. I need it to be fulfilling, profound, and achingly meaningful. When I feel like we are running on parallel tracks: just going through the motions of everyday life without that spark of connection, I tend to rebel.
To achieve harmony and flow with each other, we must be intentional about our communication and emotional availability: making a conscious effort to prioritize each others’ needs.
What works for you? How satisfied are you with your daily intimacy levels? How much depth do you need?
Do you consider yourself or your partner a strong character? Are there any personal efforts you can make?
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
