Siblings, Conflict, Escalation and Delayed Gratification
Sophia (10 years old) said, "Punish him! You have to punish Skyler!"
Skyler (12) provokes. In moments of boredom, he can’t contain his urge to provoke Sophia—whether it's touching her things, being in her room when she doesn’t want him there, or something else. Sometimes, he’s just looking for a reaction.
It was the first day of Niels' two-week work trip, and I could already anticipate the explosions ahead.
I don’t like being the punisher. I don't like the idea of it, but I know consequences and boundaries are crucial for all of us. So the kids and I brainstormed. Later, Luca (15) and I went for a walk. He suggested deducting from each child’s weekly allowance for each provocation, escalation, or physical act. Luca said, "You know Skyler really likes his money." I wasn’t thrilled about using money as a form of control, but I prefer consequences over punishment. This worked as leverage with Luca and Sophia too, since they are no strangers to provoking.
The first five days were like a dream. Whenever something unfriendly, provocative, or annoying was about to slip out of one of the kids' mouths, a gentle reminder was enough to steer the conversation.
On Friday night, after the first week of school, we were with friends. Luca and I were playing cards with the adults, while Sophia and Skyler played with their little ones.
Then, Sophia and Skyler became competitive over who was doing a better job taking care of the kids and who was more liked. Sophia felt Skyler was infringing on her time with the toddler, and Skyler felt she was being controlling. Then Skyler pushed her. I said, "That’s a deduction. One euro." They both pleaded their cases, but both got a deduction.
Skyler is a perfectionist—he always has been. Since he was little, he would destroy his creations at the first sign of imperfection. If a Magna-Tile building had a small break, he’d smash the whole thing down, no matter how much effort he’d already expended. If a picture had one crooked line, he’d rip it up into a million pieces.
So when Skyler completely flipped out after losing one euro, it fit his pattern. He often can’t handle a small loss; he has to burn the whole house down. A small mistake becomes a huge escalation.
He started calling Sophia stupid, giving her the finger—any annoying thing he could think of, he did. He said his life was ruined, that Sophia and I had destroyed it.
It was a full-on twelve-year-old tantrum. He was exhausted and refused to go to bed. I finally got him to bed and cuddled him until he calmed. The next day, he alternated between forgetting the disappointment of the day before and gripping onto raw anger. By Sunday, he was back to normal.
That Sunday, they received their allowance, and we started a new week of chores, earnings, and deductions. Again, we had a great week. It seemed like all three kids were realizing they had to weigh the momentary pleasurable release of a mean comment or provocation against the long-term reward of more money in their pockets. They were mostly killing it.
Then on Saturday, at a birthday party, Skyler and Sophia clashed again. Skyler thought he was protecting her, but she didn’t want him bossing her around. He pushed her. I said, "That’s a deduction." And again, he flipped out. It’s all or nothing. To him, it’s like, "If I lose, I might as well lose it all." All reason goes out the window. And once more: the middle finger, the mean comments, the “My life is ruined by my siblings!”
This time, I had Niels on the phone, and he told Skyler a story that hit home. Niels talked about a worker who didn’t like the directions he was given, so he stormed off the job. In his anger, he didn’t return, forfeiting not just that day’s pay but two previous days’ as well. His reaction satisfied his anger in the moment but brought no benefit. This story made Skyler think. He realized his explosions only gave him a brief release and nothing lasting. The anger cycle moved faster this time, and by the evening, Sophia and Skyler made up.
I found it so interesting that Luca and Sophia could accept their losses, ground themselves, and stay focused. But Skyler—just like his three-year-old self—is overtaken by the small losses. For him, it's life or death, all or nothing, black and white. He struggles to steady himself and stay rational. He can hold off his urges to provoke or escalate until there’s one explosion or one loss, and then it’s over.
Oh, how interesting we human beings are!
I’m not saying a monetary system is the answer. But I am exploring how this system helps my kids delay gratification and focus on future goals. I love how it challenges their awareness of how escalations work, how our words impact others, and how they now settle differences themselves (sometimes), knowing both sides play a role and will face consequences.
They’re beginning to understand how interconnected our interactions are— that we react in relation to the other. Conflict is an interaction between two people, and both play a role. The whole story matters.
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