Rethinking Fairness in Parenting: Letting Go of an Impossible Ideal
Parents get stuck in fairness battles all the time. It starts with counting gummy bears, making sure everyone gets the same number of strawberries, and ensuring no one gets the bigger slice of brownie. But it doesn’t stop there. It seeps into bigger things—who got the longer bedtime story, who had more one-on-one time with a parent, who got scolded more harshly. And here’s the problem: no matter how much you try to make things fair, it won’t be fair.
Fairness isn’t a fixed reality; it’s a perception.
The Myth of Fairness
We think we’re teaching fairness, but what we’re really teaching is comparison.
The problem isn’t just that strict fairness is impossible—it’s that it teaches the wrong lesson. When parents obsess over making everything perfectly equal, they accidentally create black-and-white thinkers. Kids start to believe fairness means identical treatment, when in reality, fairness in the real world is about context. It’s about equity, not equality.
Developmental psychology backs this up. Young children start out seeing fairness in an overly simplistic way: the same for everyone. But as they mature, they develop a more nuanced understanding—that fairness sometimes means giving people what they need, not just splitting things down the middle.
But here’s the kicker—when fairness is the goal, kids don’t just compete for equal treatment; they compete for better treatment. They watch each other like hawks, waiting to call out any perceived injustice. And because everyone sees fairness through their own lens, no one ever feels completely satisfied.
And this is where it really backfires. The more we focus on fairness, the more we make kids focus on fairness. Instead of tuning into themselves and figuring out what they actually need, they look outward—tracking what their sibling got, making sure they’re not getting screwed. And when they do this enough, it becomes habit. They stop learning how to assess their own needs and instead use comparison as their guide.
The Long-Term Consequences of Over-Focusing on Fairness
This habit of looking outward instead of inward doesn’t just stop with siblings. It follows them into friendships, school, and later, adulthood. When kids are conditioned to measure fairness by looking at what others have, they continue that pattern as they grow.
Am I smart? Let me see if I get better grades than my friends.
Am I successful? Let me see if I make as much money as my peers.
Am I attractive? Let me see if I get as much attention as others.
Instead of developing an internal sense of self—what they want, need, or value—they define themselves in relation to everyone else. And that is a recipe for insecurity.
How an Obsession with Fairness Distorts Thinking
This kind of rigid fairness enforcement can create long-term distortions in how kids think. A few specific cognitive distortions show up in adults who were raised in overly “fair” households:
Black-and-white thinking – Seeing the world as all-or-nothing. If something isn’t exactly equal, it must be wrong or unfair.
Personalization – Feeling like any discrepancy in treatment is proof that they are less valued or loved.
Victim mentality – Believing that if they don’t get the same treatment as someone else, they are being wronged.
These distortions don’t just cause sibling fights—they set kids up for struggles in adulthood, where life isn’t fair and never will be.
What to Do Instead
Rather than focusing on fairness, focus on needs. Some kids need more guidance. Some need more space. Some need help regulating emotions, while others need independence. When you shift away from fairness and toward individual attention, your kids learn to see relationships in a healthier, more flexible way.
More importantly, they learn how to tune into themselves. They stop looking around to see what everyone else got and start looking inward to understand what they need. And that is what we want for them—not just as kids, but as they grow into adults.
You stop keeping score.
They stop keeping score.
And instead of trying to make things equal, you make things right for each child.
Letting go of fairness frees both you and your kids. It takes you out of an impossible game and teaches them how to navigate life as it actually is—not as they imagine it should be.
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