The Inner Critic

We've all experienced moments when our inner voice drags us down, causing us to dwell on past mistakes and self-criticism. This inner critic can be both a guiding voice and a harsh, noisy presence. Discerning between the two is essential for our growth and well-being. The inner critic’s intention is to make us the best version of ourselves, to protect us from danger or perceived danger. 

When is it essential to listen to the feedback from our critic in our heads and when is it just a noisy harsh voice? The issue is to be able to discriminate between the two. This work is not simply about speaking more kindly to ourselves or "befriending ourselves", it's about developing the self-awareness to understand that our judgments about who we are affect every aspect of life, and that our inner critic is actually trying to help us. And understand how to honor and thank the inner critic for the service that is no longer necessary.

The inner critic has a function: it attempts to be a guide. Our inner critic was at one point helpful in protecting us from danger. We learn at a very young age what is expected of us from parents, peers, and society. For many of us, this shapes the inner critic that wants to protect us from being abandoned, unloved, embarrassed, or hurt. Maybe we had a very critical parent, and our inner critic protected us from experiencing the abuse of that parent. Maybe we lived in an oppressive country in which we needed to be constantly alert to avoid serious consequences. By viewing the inner critic as a protector born out of survival, we can empathize with its existence and good intentions.

When the critic is harsh it exhausts, terrifies, immobilizes, creates rigid patterns, and unsustainable goals. It isn’t helpful. 

When the inner critic is gentle it may help us see where we can do better, where to focus our energy, how to look at a situation in another way, etc…

When is it important to listen to the feedback from the inner critic and when is it just a noisy, hurt child having a tantrum?

The issue is to be able to discriminate. Notice the inner critic when it comes up. You will notice your inner critic because its statements are usually very strong, authoritative, and definitive. The inner critic doesn’t speak in “maybe’s”… The inner critic speaks in “always” and “never.” The inner critic tends to lean into black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking. (Have a look at this pdf about cognitive distortions, which can help you identify when the harsh inner critic is arriving on the scene).

To work with this inner voice when it is unproductive, we try to understand it and get to know it rather than get rid of it. 

Bring curiosity to the critic, rather than blocking. By seeing the critic as a protector, we understand why it exists and see that it is an old coping mechanism that was needed to survive. When we work on denying or suppressing the inner critic, its voice only gets amplified.

This may seem counter-intuitive, but we are not trying to silence the inner critic. We are bringing our fair and clear head, as we would for a friend in need of help with a difficult situation.

The goal is to befriend the critic and to address the needs of the critic. What does the critic need? What are the fears the critic anticipates? How can we address those? If the old purpose of the critic was to protect us, we now have to figure out how to calm the fears of the critic, so the critic is not needed. 

By acknowledging that the critic had a positive purpose, we can problem-solve with the critic. 

We must take inventory of the areas where we feel shame, doubt, and insecurity. We already know a bit about what our biggest triggers are (certain people, places, facets of life where shame creeps up more often than not), but there are likely other areas of life in which our inner critic may go unnoticed. 

Here are some helpful questions to help you understand your inner critic:

What is its function?

How long have you had it?

When was it born?

What is its name?

Whose voice does it take on?

What would it look like if you drew a picture of it?

Once we understand a little bit about the inner critic’s background and its function, we then want to address its needs. 

What does it say? 

What is its purpose?

What does it want?

What are the beliefs/ideology of the critic?

What are its fears?

How can we ease those fears in a way that’s more functional or adaptive?

What does it need from us right now to know that we are safe/ok/loved/etc.?

We target and re-process the beliefs linked to the creation of the inner critic. What are the key incidents that occurred that are linked to the beliefs tightly held by the inner critic?  How do certain beliefs support the inner critic’s energy? Once we start unearthing the reason behind the creation of the inner critic and their strong beliefs, it might be possible to reevaluate the old stories and re-tell them. 

Soothe the inner critic like a hurt child!

When we stop believing everything the inner critic says, when we stop fighting with them, invalidating them, demanding they change, shutting them out, or trying to placate them, more often than not, the inner critic loses its charge. The ultimate goal of inner critic work is integration. Integration happens when we no longer need to defend or protect against internal or external criticism. Like children, the inner critic within us just wants to be heard. Fighting, bribing, or placating children ultimately doesn't work in the long run… So it won't work with our inner hurt children either.

Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?

 My transformational approach is a process where awareness, alignment, and action work together as catalysts to create momentum for change. 

*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.

*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.

*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.

Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.

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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!