The Wedding Ring

The Old City of Jerusalem 2007

My husband and I are pretty untraditional. He doesn’t own a suit. I nearly never wear a bra. We never had a wedding. But I wanted to get married. We were on a six-month trip backpacking around Eastern Europe, wondering if there was someplace better to live than Guatemala. And I somehow got it into my head that the commitment of Niels being my husband and me being his wife was important and necessary. If you ask me what that change would look like in the outside world, I honestly would not be able to say. But I felt it. And I was determined.

I asked Niels over and over again to marry me. He let me know it wasn’t important to him. (So much for the Disney fairytale I had ingested). I didn’t want a white dress, a big wedding, or stress. But I wanted to get married. Finally, Niels said yes. We were headed to Israel for a family visit next,  and I had the idea to do it on the ancient walls of the Old City of Jerusalem. We stood there just the two of us and declared our commitment and love for each other. That was our wedding. And it was then and is now exactly right for us.

We bought twisted silver rings from a jeweler in Tel Aviv. We loved the twist, the infinite curve, the idea of our life being outside of the conventional… Symbolically I loved it. 

Reality: I hated the ring. It dug at my finger and I had a fat callous on my palm from where the ring bumped against my hand. My favorite yoga positions were hard to do. Within 6 months of getting the rings, Niels lost his in the ocean. He quickly had his made again by a local jeweler. And we kept on wearing them. 

At each yoga class, I would take off my ring and put it in my bag or next to my mat. One day I forgot to put it back on. I went a few days without it and felt great… light. I didn’t even notice. I wondered why marriage had to equal pain? I liberated myself and banished the ring to the furthest drawer I had. 

Anyway, years have gone by. Niels has dutifully worn his ring. He hasn’t always done what I wanted or followed through on every compromise. And let’s face it: he is a man and there is a certain amount of nagging that I wish I didn’t do. We have fun together. We fight with each other. We don’t sleep well if we aren’t in each others’ arms. We sleep terribly if we can’t make up before bed.

It has been nearly 15 years since that ancient wall in Jerusalem and I have been without a ring. Unencumbered. Free. Without calluses or uncomfortable in yoga. Niels and I were having one of our usual arguments about the typical stuff… feeling appreciated, the kids’ table manners, and our upcoming move. 

We discussed and discussed. I couldn’t really find peace. I was frustrated. Niels tried to say sorry. (I felt his sorry was inauthentic). We spent a sleepless night. And in between, he mentioned to me that he still wears the ring. And I said that I have mine next to the bed but it is so uncomfortable. And he said: Yes it is. But isn’t that the point, that we stick with it, even in those moments of discomfort? 

I said that I didn’t know it bothered him that I didn’t wear the ring. And he told me that of course it mattered to him, but he didn’t want to make a big deal of it… So here I am working with couples everyday. A believer in compromise and independence. Stuck with a dilemma. I  believe we have to put up with some discomfort and pain. But how much? And everyday?

I told him that my finger was too fat to fit in the ring. I had tried to put it on the week before. But today I took it out and was surprised that it fits. And it wasn’t even too tight. I had been making excuses. Protecting my comfort. 

I am wearing the ring. I prefer myself without jewelry. I prefer nothing squeezing. But this is my commitment. (And somehow hearing that he cared about me wearing the ring, dissolved the argument we had been stuck in).

Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.

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